My pleasure is often what is most pleasurable to my partner too
Rebecca: So, and I'm, I'm really excited about this topic, especially because we actually had a physical validating moment of it. And it's about. Usually what's good for you is also what's good for
Guest: your partner. Hi.
Rebecca: so thank you for being here. My gosh, we just so appreciate co-creating with you and playing. It's so much fun and thank you, Rebecca, for always being here and, being willing to share of your life.
And, just so you know, no, I'm actually going to be popping off in a couple of minutes. So if I do it a little way, that's okay. You and Rebecca can have a wonderful time talking, but this week Rebecca is going to talk to us about, what's usually good for us is, or what's good for us is usually good.
Guest: Are also good for our partners.
Rebecca: And we had a fun little experience this past weekend where we were up on the
Guest: rooftop, having
Rebecca: dinner. It was amazing and both of us were freezing and neither of us said anything to the other person. And it was all good and fun, but yeah. So I'm really excited to hear what you have to say, Rebecca.
Yeah. Well, okay. So I'm trying to figure out what do I have to say about this? I almost feel like that is what I have to say. That what feels good for us is usually what feels best for the other person or people involved. So we might as well figure out what feels good for us. It's start with that. Right.
I think there's. Oh, and a lot of the people that I used to spend a lot of time around growing up, it was this assumption that you need to figure out what will make somebody else feel better and then do that. But the more that I have lived life and had explored and experimented, the more I've realized that that's not usually.
As true as we like to think it is, you know, the golden rule of do unto others, what you would have others do unto you. It sounds really good, but it assumes that we're all the same and that we all want the same things. And it turns out that, you know, the variety in people is actually what makes this beautiful rainbow of variety so compelling.
The. Yeah, just the variety adds to the entire experience. And when we forget how important variety is. We assume that everyone's like us. And then it just backfires when you both end up on a roof feeling really cold and not wanting to go inside. And then it turns out it would have been better for both of you if you had gone inside, but it's all good anyway, and I love that you brought up that example because that's a very simple, small one that wasn't the only example we also had.
All kinds of other things going on this weekend, Karen and I spent two days together and we had planned to spend a lot of the time we were together working and it turns out we played instead, we played so hard that we got so much done. And that is exactly the kind of play that I like. That's exactly the kind of experiences that I like.
We didn't do what we thought we were supposed to do repeatedly. And we continually got more. Needle moving kinds of things actually completed. And I find that for me, a lot of times that seems to happen because I'm just relaxing into, into my body. So I can feel the intuition from my body. I'm relaxing into the space and relaxing into the.
Being with the other persons that I can really connect and feel. I don't know that that's the case for everybody that relaxing into a space or an experience helps them connect with their intuition. But it certainly does for me, something that I've known for a very, very long time. Bye Karen. See you later and
Guest: yeah.
Rebecca: All right. Okay. So I think. I think that that is what I have to say about that right now. I might come up with something else, but, yeah, there we go.
Guest: Cool. Thank you.
Rebecca: Yeah,
Guest: this is like the first time I don't call like a pressing question, but I think, yeah, I agree. An 80. I think the difficult part is to acknowledge somebody they want you need. Right. And then you still say it.
Rebecca: Well, yes. And I think it's only difficult at first. I think it's difficult because we're not used to it.
But the more we're willing to ask ourselves questions, like how good could it get. And if I had it all my way, what would I actually want here? Or actually it doesn't make sense. Any other questions right now? So those things have been helping me pointed in the direction of what I actually care about and what I want.
And then that leads me to my pleasure. So you don't always know what your pleasure is right off the bat, but you can lean in the direction of it. You can feel like, well, It would be really nice to go outside. Maybe I'll go outside and then you go outside and then you realize, Oh, it'd be really nice to find some shade.
And then they find some shade. And then you realize it'd be really nice to have a phone conversation or like really chat with somebody and then you can do that. So it, it often happens one step at a time, figuring out what my pleasure is, especially when I haven't been really in tune with it for a while, or when things are changing a lot.
So I don't have the default. Settings to fall back to, anyway, I'm sorry. I kind of took off on a tangent and interrupted you.
Guest: No, that was, that was great. I think I missed their first question. One question. Why is it probably how it on my way, what would they want? And then the other question was how
Rebecca: good could it get? Oh,
Guest: good. Glad.
Rebecca: Yeah. Yeah.
Guest: Yeah. He knows somebody who's buying courses.
Rebecca: Yeah.
Guest: Yeah. So it was important that you said at least like, is, gets one step at a time because it kind of takes out the anxiety of, like wife.
I don't know what they want or how, like, I don't know where they went and what, what I went through when he said, I just feeling like why you should try it out of these seconds. And then. If it changes next second or like next minute, then just be open to them. So that,
So I,
that reminds me like, I ha I, and then I meet a friend at the end of the , but. I think I had so much expectations that make right than what I think about it and what it's like. I don't want to meet that friend anymore personally. And, because of like, I don't know how Holly said any Nate, all the expectations and all the ads, I am going to be very different when you meet a person in real life.
So I'm. I think this, I mean, because, I mean, have you ever had the situation in which you correspondingly a person for a long time and then you need them and then, but you have like such high expectations on or not high, but then you just, like, you already had an idea of the person and then. Do you ever had a situation?
Rebecca: Yeah. Yeah. What are you specifically getting at? How do you eliminate your expectations or something else?
Guest: Yeah. How to eliminate this petition. So then you get to talk with a real person and not with your idealized version of that person.
Rebecca: Yeah. I think that usually to me it looks like. Yeah. Tempering my well temporary, my expectations, but tempering my beliefs about the person or trying to, yeah.
Trying to uncover, especially my unconscious beliefs about the person or about what I think the way they react means about me. So. I mean in practice nickel terms that usually means going on a walk or journaling for me, because that's where I seem to be able to put the most of that together, or sometimes insight meditation or in someplace where I'm looking for answers.
But that's what I'm looking for usually is how to disassemble those beliefs and, and, and just approach the interaction with a blank slate and the curiosity. A blank slate and a sense of curiosity tend to serve me pretty well.
Cause when I realized I can be curious about this person and just sit there and learn about them instead of trying to figure out. How to behave to make them feel a certain way or how to behave, to get a certain behavior out of them. Those kinds of things keep me really in my head and circling around and not, not, not super authentic in the interaction as well, but if I can get to the point of, I really don't know who this person is, as much as I might think I do.
And I'm curious about them and I'm going to ask them questions. I'm going to ask some open ended questions that. Allow me to experience the fullness of that person. So for me, I find that questions about their dreams, crest questions, about things they truly care about, like their family, questions about things that they hold dear to their heart or whatever it might be like.
I was dating somebody at one point and it just. It became obvious to me that he had a deep and abiding love for trees and I do too, but he had known a whole lot more about it. I mean, he, didn't a lot of research and living amongst trees and some beautiful interactions with trees, but hearing him talk, I realized, Oh, this is something that he really cares about.
So I let him talk about trees and now our relationship has always been. Light and fun and easy, even when it was intense and strong and powerful, because we feel, we feel like such a different people to each other. You know, we don't feel like we, we never did feel like we were trying to make each other be the same as us or trying to fit each other into a box.
We both had approached that entire relationship and everything around it from a place of adventure and curiosity. And we have no idea what's going to happen here. Probably nothing or probably very little. So every time we did have an experience, it was a gift and it was something that allowed us to really be with each other while we were with each other, for the short amount of times that we were without getting too caught up in the stories.
And it couldn't just be for me that the stories tend to happen more when we're around other people, when it's just me and another person or me and a small group of people, the stories that I have made up in my head are a lot fewer, but that might just be me.
Guest: Yeah, that's what I was going to say, because sometimes it's like, I mean, I think it's interesting when you mentioned that you live the experience as a gift and just, I mean, just, just experience when it's happening right then, and now they incarnate what is going to happen or what is his calling? Where pretty much everybody does by like, like, event.
I mean, I, I feel like very ridiculous to think and believe and ask, like, in my relationship with what is he going, what it's like, I don't, I don't really want, I feel like it ruins that relationship, but at the same time I can help it, but also think about where is it? And then I had to. Undock myself onto it and like reframe it.
And it is so much work because it's like, I think the more we get from life is just to leave the precedence. It's like, Oh, I'm getting to talk with that person. But this is so hard. So I think like probably, but I don't need some way, like, I mean, you kind have like a lot of black decently then, then it's like easier for you to like, not to.
Not to go like to have less study, but I mean, so is it, is it that a case, was it always that same way or are you wearing like improving these, these, ladies way of minor? You that's we get relationships.
Rebecca: I think always been the learning to manage it at various levels of success and mutual benefit to mean whoever I'm with. Yeah, I think this is one of those things that you just continue to practice. You're always finding your balance in relationship to this in any relationship that you're in. So I don't find it to be super helpful to.
Put yourself in a place of saying, I shouldn't be thinking about where this is going. I shouldn't be thinking about the future, because if you're thinking about the future, then you shouldn't be thinking about the future because you are, doesn't do any good to, to blame or shame or judge yourself for what you're doing.
And you do probably want relationships that go into the future. Right? So, It there's, there should not be any shame and they were good. I used that word should again, I don't recommend any shame about your, about the way you move into a relationship, just because there are people who model not having any.
Worries about the future and who can just be completely chill and cool about relationships and not have to wonder about where they're going. That doesn't mean that that's the right way to be. And I think it's pretty natural for most people. I think most people do want to have some sense of, Hey, if we're going to be in partnership, where are we going together and how are we going to get there?
Kind of thing. So.
I don't know how early in your relationship it is. I'm not going to tell you, you should, or you shouldn't be having that anxiety. And.
Yeah. And I guess just because there are people that don't have, it doesn't mean you shouldn't, I suppose that's what I wouldn't say there.
Guest: Well, yeah, no, I think, I think I learned that for me to function optimally, and I think other people, if they know what they want and they want to say it that's good for them, but like, in my case, I think I do enjoy it more when it's.
When it's a gift when they, and even if it's a long term relationship, it's even better because, that is, that is like, I don't even have room for it on society. If I do that. And if I keep focused on, no, this is a gift, this is what I want to get through today. This is what I made too, because I also had, like, this is not the center of that relationship is not the center of my universe so that I, not this, that it started really like that and dies for me.
It's like, The woman things it starts to deteriorate is when the ship would call the relationship. And I start getting too much about it and I start getting too much water because I don't have a center on my own, or I think that is like mine at that moment. So, so I was wondering, How, how do you improve that?
How do you think it was, I mean, you mentioned some, some stuff before, but then how do you think you improve that really too? Stay in the present and to Vegas and enjoy playing it for what it is at that moment.
Rebecca: Yeah. No, that's a really good question. I think this is, this might be a frustrating answer, but I hope I can make it clear because I think it's one of the most important things that I've learned in relationship when it comes to expectations and what I think.
Other people should be doing in relationship and how I think other people should be behaving and what I need in order to be happy. All of that is tied up into what will make me happy, right? Because whatever behavior I want my partner to then to, to embody it, something that I want to, so that I'll be happier, whatever.
All of those things have to do with me being able to be happier. So if I look at that and my happiness is one of the highest priorities, then I can start deconstructing the pieces of thought that don't make me happy and realizing them for what they really are like. If, let me pursue this from a slightly different angle.
If my life is big enough and fulfilling enough. Then I'm not looking for someone else to bring the happy. And so no matter how much happy they bring in relationship to my already big and happy life, it's never more than I can. I want to say more than I can provide for myself. It's not. If, if I'm already living a big and happy and fulfilled life, they can come and add to it.
But they can't take it over or, and it's not that they would be trying to take it over. They can come and add to my happiness, but my happiness is not solely dependent upon that person or that relationship. And so I maintain a lot of choice. There's more to it than this though.
Is this making any sense so far?
Guest: Yeah. Yeah. Like I thought. That's the way before and highly want relationship. When I was, I was very happy and I was, I got a relationship with this ex boyfriend, which was all I saw hotbed a
Rebecca: son.
Guest: But then he got relationship. I discover that he put a white in me or he will the duration.
He went to a place in which I didn't know, I could be even happier or I didn't even know I needed that, or I was lacking of that type of thing that that relationship provide. And, and he didn't know either. So it was new for both of us, this discourse. So it bonded us. But then. It's like, it's like the kind of happiness that I didn't know I needed, or I didn't know the kind of element.
I didn't need it for my happiness. And then. At some point, once we are in a relationship it's really hard to disentangle because you're not really there. And then you are already happy because these sorts of unconditional love is there. And then you don't know how to put it back in life because you've never experienced before.
So kind of, so in that way is, I mean, That is something that cannot be yes. In my experience, I am not moving your expendable. Like I couldn't foresight. Oh yeah. Like I thought I was completely happy before and I will. I would preach that the worst is I would send my friends. Yeah. Because you have to be really happy because if you're not happy, I don't want to get in a relationship and blah, blah, blah.
And then when I got into the relationship, like, yeah, I was like, feel years into it. But, the realize that, so, so, so yeah, so now it makes sense. Is. When you say, I think they, when you said you, this con they construct your studies or you, the, the construct, how, I guess I'm interested in know, but you deconstruct the business because I think it will be useful to know, because like, sometimes in a relationship you don't.
The guy in my case, I know for sure that I don't know what I'm going to discover when I am with the other person, because the other person was alone now and they really don't know and they, something happened. And then that's the thing that make it so hard to. Late went when the Nissan make up or something.
But, but I think it will be interesting to know why like the cloud to this construct. I mean, how the process of the construction yeah. When you are leaving already leaving that situation. So then you can keep maintaining your own balance, even though you might be John when you are in the relationship, because it's like, Oh, well this is so different, but then you kind of like.
The process of the construction kind of hybrid in yourself back to balance. Right. So, yeah, it would be interesting to know that.
Rebecca: Yeah. Well, I don't know that this is exactly what you're talking about, but what I'm hearing and the way I would answer that question is that it's like the whole idea that once you're already in a relationship and that you're happy with that person, and then you feel.
Kind of trapped, at least that's what I'm hearing, because you're so happy with this person, but you're also not as happy as you could possibly be. And pardon me if I'm misunderstanding that the way that I deal with that though is still the same strategy. It's have a bigger, happier, more fulfilling life.
And by fulfilled life, I don't mean just a partner that makes you happy. I mean, a partner and then friends that you can talk to and events that you can go to. And. Groups that you feel like you belong in and reasons to, to do things that are kind of hard. If you got to have a reason to do something, to challenge yourself, well, then have one, maybe it's a club or it's a group.
Maybe it's a competition at a gym. Maybe it's something else, but. What I mean is that there are a bunch of different places that your happiness comes from. And not just one, if you do have one place where your happiness comes from and it's a relationship, that's okay. That doesn't mean that it's the end of the world.
It means start building all of the other things. And not only will that make your relationship stronger with that person, cause you'll be a better, more balanced human being. If you're getting the other needs met that you need. But. The, the potentially best outcome for that is you get so much happier and they're getting so much happier that you continue to stay together and you're able to continue and move along this beautiful partnership thing where you're both as happy as you can be, but you're constantly getting happier.
You're constantly leveling up your ocean. So to speak, as it says, you know, Raises all ships. That's what we're thinking of. Everything in our lives that can be fulfilling to us is helping raise that ship, including raise our relationships. So that's a funny, funny little analogy I raised our relationships.
Was that kind of what you were talking about or did I completely misunderstand that?
Guest: Yeah, kind of like, it was a little bit different, but, but yeah, no, it's still the answer. What it is like, but so basically. No, what I want to find, maybe I should be more specific if I, so like when, when, and in the relationship, like, I wasn't really happy.
Right. But then when the relationship I discovered a different, like, definitely feeling of a need, I didn't even know I had, and by that need, that was very fundamental. And I didn't even know how to, because I didn't know myself enough. No, they needed that, that happened to him. And, when that relationship went long distance, that loss of that goes on.
Be replaced by anything, because I didn't had bid anything that will fulfill that needs. And I also didn't know how
Rebecca: to,
Guest: I mean, I knew it taught me. Yes, but I know now that I think that's what makes that long distance Betty very hard, because it's like using a ways. Me seeing if he was focusing on that, like media, didn't kind of that enough.
And. I mean, he had a better way to manage that. Cause he's like more
but like in my case, even having all these other Fundations and friends on hobbies and everything else, making nothing, I mean, I accomplished a lot when he was gone, but. It was not enough. There was no way to satisfy the need because I mean, like at the end, I mean, I couldn't satisfy the need. I didn't know.
I could satisfy that need in the beginning and I didn't know what the need was, so I didn't have clarity the seven months later or years. So, and I think it's interesting to not like. Like basically, what can I, how could I help construct my thought process or my story about this? So then I could catch that not in 24 months later after we wake up, but, but when it was happening, so I could stop myself from doing that at least because it also kind of like destroy his ability to think he can make me happy.
And at the end, We just broke up and we didn't know. I mean, one of us will have analyzed the whole thing, like the whole non distance we're having, we're having a Spain for. It was, it was so painful.
Rebecca: Yeah. Yeah, no, I understand that. I think if you're asking how you can deconstruct thought to have that be the less painful in the future.
A big part of it is noticing earlier because you're seeing it took you 24 months to figure some of this stuff out. But if you're able to notice the smaller signs earlier on, it won't take as long and that vibration of discord won't end up quite so a well trodden into your, into your mental pathways.
Okay. And honestly, that's, it's one of those things where if you care about how you feel, then you also start to care about pleasure. You start to care about the things that actually add to your life in a way that you haven't been counting before. And the good news about this, the good news and the bad news about this is that you're the level of pleasure that's acceptable.
And that you're able to take in is always going to increase. Over time as a general rule, that that graph is always going to increase because you're able to receive more, learn more, fuel, more, adapt more, and the only way that you wouldn't be able to have, or do or feel any of that is if you decide to shut it off and.
That's that's optional. You don't have to do it well, we'll do it. We'll do it when we had some kind of trauma experience, but we don't have to, we can continue to stay openhearted and find ways of communicating, even when we're hurt, it takes practice, but it's great. It's worth it. There's a. Group who does something called authentic, relating, authentic relating workshops?
I think they're doing them online now. I haven't taken any of their workshops yet, but I have a friend of mine who is a facilitator for them, and he's shared some of their games and some of the things that they do with me. And I got to say, they're pretty cool. They're pretty amazing. So that kind of stuff, getting, getting used to.
Sharing the things that are uncomfortable early on, because I think particularly in a line distance relationship, I'm an avoidant person. So long distance gives me a very easy reason to continue to avoid talking about the things that are a little bit painful, but I'll wager that at some point you would felt something that was kind of uncomfortable about this earlier on, and you didn't know what to do about it.
And so then. You let it continue to happen and then it gets bigger because that's what vibration does it gets bigger? Is this helping, or is this just telling you stuff that you already knew?
Guest: I think that being uncomfortable with something able to hold articulated. I think, but we'll have to say something. Yeah. I think that that is only because yeah, basically that's kind of like the root cause of how, I mean, I mean, in that component, back in the day, I didn't know how to articulate my needs or if I ever had meat.
So I mean like that clearly Rhianna hadn't said none of in the last year, like I will, I will check only. I have that language, so I'd even validate them as much. So yeah, I think that compounded that's awesome.
So, yeah. Yeah. I think, Nice. It's may it should to do, to, to go back with why have I not like I hadn't put it back together. And I was seeing that thing as its own as its some type of problem or added sunk type of thing, experience, but not related with what, all that things. I didn't know myself or I didn't know how to do.
But that are
Rebecca: right. Yeah. And another way of deconstructing thought that I've found to be really helpful is I go back and I look at things like this, just like you just did where you realize, ah, okay. Yeah, that sucked. And if I had to do it again, I would do this and this differently. Cause I've learned something and remind yourself of all of those experiences because that.
All of those experiences that have led us to who we are now have informed our current perspective and our way of being in the world. They have their, what has created our current strength and resilience. And like you said, you didn't even know that you had needs before and now, you know, you have needs and now you know how to talk about some of them and, and you're learning more and more, what is necessary.
Those are powerful life skills that you're figuring out, you know, and realizing that you weren't able to be in as healthy or relationship before you knew those things is, is useful because now you know them and now you're practicing them more. So now you can have more confidence and faith in the fact that the next time you have this kind of interaction, you'll approach it differently.
And you'll see that discomfort earlier and you won't see it as something that you have to run away from, but you'll be able to see it as something that's like, ah, okay, there's a treasure trove of something good in here for me. If I can just figure out what this negative emotion is telling me, what thought do I need to deconstruct?
What is the. What is going on in my head that is telling me that this is not going to work out or what is going on in my head that is telling you that I need something, which apparently I'm not going to be able to get. So where is that? And if you can get, yeah, those thoughts to be spoken out loud or can be written down in a way that starts to take some of the power away from them, because once you can bring them into the light and see them.
Most of them look pretty ridiculous. And oftentimes awareness is enough to let that entire train of thought go, you know, it's being aware of the pattern early on enough that now you don't have to go through the entire pattern. You can just look at it and go, Oh, right. That's funny. I'm not going to waste my energy over there.
Thank you very much. We're going to move on in a different way or, you know, Realizing that you really do need to have some more physical contact in order to have a really great relationship, or if you're going to have a long distance relationship and you want it to be really great, then now you have some new needs and you didn't realize it before, and then you can list what are the new needs, you know, do I need to have a phone call every morning, check it and do I need to have, you know, so yeah, anything else that would feel really, really good for me.
And that's where if I had it on my way, comes in.
Guest: Thank you. I think, yeah. That's part of that. Let me say about, yeah. Being in the thoughts, nice being spoken or written, or just like, I mean, it's kind of awareness the thing that's in front of them because yeah. It kind of snowballs. If you have any sense.
Okay. I have one last question. It probably very broad, but since we are talking about this, so, and I hear that you already said your name. But so then he's, what I was thinking about, or, I mean, looking back on everything right. Then I'd realize that I don't really want to be in a relationship. And did I find out if like, Get to know myself better.
I don't repeat those buttons with the other person's I actually invest a lot of time myself. So then when I got to like Patterson, I am able to communicate better and I'm able to know who I am and all of these things. And that's kind of like, I mean, it's not going to be a hundred percent on me.
Obviously drive it because I mean, there's nothing it's never going to get done, but I mean, just love most to the best of my capacity. And especially right now, I mean, they, like, I didn't want to wait like a year ago and also car and the . Isn't embarrassed. Cause I, I, I don't really want to do it also. So it's gonna, maybe I'm gonna, it's going to take a year and that's fine that if I want to be myself into like at the end, I mean like, what I want to do is like, be in a.
Partnership with somebody where, and being, I want to bring myself present to that partnership. But then, I mean, but being myself and not without burdening the other person with my aunt to solve issues and stuff. So, because those things are my responsibility, but at the end, it's like, even when I know those are my responsibility.
I don't necessarily know what are those, how are those in with other people? And usually, I mean, they have manifested and I caught them. When I analyze my relationships and I say, Oh, okay, I did this and I did this. And then how can I have, because I mean, basically people I've been with, they've been, they've been great.
I mean, I can see how my behavior three or something on them, but then most of the time they been pretty stable. I'm pretty done yet. Also when he's home, I kind of love them odd, but, The thing is like, I, if I was back then I, but then who I am today, I will have them. It would have been so much happier for everybody involved.
Right. So, and I think by back then, even with the intention, I didn't know. And I'm pretty sure I have some blind spots right now. Now I know the things I have to work on and working on it, but yeah. Then I also have like some blind spots. But I don't want to, I mean, if our relationship comes in a high relationship, it really, with other people I need constant.
It's like, I will, I will, I will use those relationships. I will learn from those relationships level, those others, but I don't want to get into a relationship just for the sake of. Baptist team or for the, like, I don't, I don't want to do that. And I think I, I, like right now I'm very content with myself and yeah, I, at the same time, so I wanted to ask the question is how, like, what will be the best way to catch those blind spots without having a relationship without, Any, like on your own sites, you're on the lingo, maybe with your name, how would you, cause, I mean, at the end, like I want to be prepared to have like my best self for a while later, so then I can have a relationship and it's not like I'm elevating myself on land verifies.
It's just like, I just want to make the most of it. Yeah, because it's something, but, so what are your views about it?
Rebecca: Okay. So the question is how can you find your own blind spots in relationship without necessarily being in one right now? Yes. Okay. Yeah. Good question. So the way that I would approach this, that would feel really chill and easy is to look for books and movies and literature, and any modeling of different kinds of relationships.
Hang on any modeling of different kinds of relationships so that I can watch what's going on and pay attention to my own reaction. So maybe I'm seeing some people doing something that puzzles me or that I have some judgment about. And. Yeah, because I'm not in that relationship. I can see that feel that discomfort early feel very light because I'm not the one who's having to deal with the responses and then pay attention to what matters there with me.
I think, I think this happened for me naturally growing up, watching friends. And I wouldn't say that watching friends is necessarily a really great relationship model, but it did show me the, the. W what would I call it? The futility of trying to lie about things. Right? Cause everybody on that show always ends up finding out everything else.
And that actually, I do think that was a big influence for myself about why I eventually decided no, I'm just not going to hide things. I'm going to be completely well I've I've always wanted to be authentic and ethical about my, my sexuality and my relationships, but just the. Where I draw the line and who I'm not willing to be partnered with and connected with comes out of that comes out of what other people model relationships and my reactions, my light, simple discomfort, reactions, or judgment reactions that help me see what I care about.
And what's important to me. So. It's kind of like Abraham talking or Abraham Hicks talking about you're going out there and you're gathering data. You're watching other people you're listening to other people or you're, you're also in other kinds of relationships too. Right? Some of this will apply to other kinds of relationships, your family, or friends, your partners, your sorry, your family, your friends, people you're working with.
If you're paying attention to the early discomfort in any of those interactions and asking yourself what that means and what value is being covered up there, or being trampled on or appears to be trampled on, then I think that's what will help you find the blind spots, the quickest and the easiest.
Sometimes it can be helpful to go back through past history and past relationships though. I feel like. Trying to make that an organized thing. Doesn't usually work out for me, trying to go back and learn, like find lessons and learn from my old relationships. I'm usually just better off rereading a journal so that I can remember what I learned, what ahas I had about myself.
But it does occasionally. And especially if I'm out walking or hiking in the woods or being outside on my own, sometimes my thoughts will circle back around to, Oh, that's why this happened in that relationship. And now, okay. This is about to happen in this other partnership. What if I tweaked it a little bit?
Right. Does that help at all?
Guest: Yes. I lot. Yeah. That sounds like an answer. Thank you. Yeah, no, especially, yeah, especially enlightening, because if, think I don't care, you say the morning before, but then I think maybe sign being namely specific on how we get sample. I think, yeah, I have it like more clear.
No, especially, I mean that, the fact that just noticing what too, I like, how do I feel what I'm feeling when I see those scenarios on? So yeah, I think it's a good way to do they get to know myself and get to know what matters to me without actually. Having somebody hard thing to process or having somebody like, I mean, just like delaying that with upright or something.
It's like, if I can avoid it, I really, really want to avoid it. So yeah, not, this is a really good thing. And then I, I next something nice, ready to cool.
Rebecca: And you know, the fact that you're home right now, this could be a really good thing to do with your parents and your family is to ask them questions and just practice.
You don't practice the curiosity that we talked about and ask them open ended questions and hear who they are as real human beings. Not only will that be good practice at, you know, being a good partner in the future, but it will probably also help you see some of those blind spots that you have because you grew up watching.
These role models, having the same blind spots. So now as an adult, who's got a lot more learning and a lot more understanding about yourself. It'll be easier to look at those and say, Oh, that's actually funny. Instead of being, being triggered or thinking that you have to have happen, they live by those same rules that you were taught.
So nice that it gives you a little bit of space and distance from this. And yeah, if you, if you hold that space of curiosity, then it's. Much easier to see blind spots.
Guest: Yeah. Thank you so much. Yeah, this was, this was great. Thank you so much
information and actionable information. I can something like I, I can definitely look here. Good.
Rebecca: I'm glad. I'm glad you like it. I was really good to chat with you. I'm I am happy. You popped up.
Guest: Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Fine. Thank you again for having this. This space is awesome. Yeah. And this time it really works, even though I'm a little bit late, but yeah, it really, really works for me.
Thank you for doing this. I'm really appreciative of that.
Rebecca: Yeah, you bet. Bye!
Guest: Right. Thank you.