[00:00:00] Rebecca: Hey you. Thanks for tuning in. Just a quick heads up, this episode is rated PG 13, so expect to hear some mild language or adult concepts. Hi Jody, and welcome to Pleasure Central Radio podcast. Thank you. Excited to be here. Thank you. It's, It's so good to see your face.

[00:00:21] I've known you for 4, 5, 6 years. I don't know. It's been a little while. Right?

[00:00:26] Jodi: Since 2018. Since 2018, since our de Armory.

[00:00:30] Rebecca: Oh my God. That's only four years. It feels like a lot longer than that.

[00:00:33] Jodi: It's pretty deep, intimate space that we've cultivated our friendship in. That's

[00:00:39] Rebecca: true. Yeah. Most of the time when we see each other is in the middle of some kind of deep ceremony as well.

[00:00:45] So that's one of the things that I really love about you, Jody, is that you're so connected with your spirituality and your connection to other people through sexuality, and I wanted to talk about that, and I wanted to talk about relationship agreements and how to create them with a new relationship. I know.

[00:01:04] You're fantastic at that. And so I wanted to have someone else on this show who could give us some ideas about ways to approach it and what it looks like and what it sounds like and the kinds of things to think about. So what do you think? Are you

[00:01:16] Jodi: game? I'm totally game, and I think it's an incredible topic because as people's relationships continue to expand and evolve today, We are needing better communication and to have total honesty with where we're at and how we're living our lives.

[00:01:37] And then first to be able to really say, What do I want? And then what do I want for this relationship? So let's, let's get into it.

[00:01:46] Rebecca: All right. So where should we start? Like what, what is your experience with relationship agreements and what makes you someone that's helpful to listen to?

[00:01:57] Jodi: All right. Well, I think the place that I'd like to start is kind of where our collective consciousness is heading.

[00:02:03] In relationships, you hear so much more about poly Emory and opening up relationships, and you've got the monogamous relationship. You've got the wanting to open, but being committed and wanting to have a primary partner, but then. Wanting to explore a little bit outside the partnership. How do we do that in a safe way?
[00:02:27] And then of course, there's just a multitude in between the monogamy versus just opening up the relationship. So to set clear agreements is a necessity to be able to do that well, to be able to honor yourself and to keep the relationship in Good. Now, are
[00:02:47] Rebecca: clear agreement something you especially recommend during opening up or polyamorous kinda relationships, or are they valuable for
[00:02:54] Jodi: everybody?
[00:02:55] I think they're valuable for everybody. I mean, being able to tell your partner what you're expecting in relationship, just even if it's monogamous, what does that look like? What does it look like to be a primary partner? What do I have to give into this relationship? What are my deal breakers so that, you know, what is my expectation?
[00:03:18] Um, I think I just said that expectations, my deal breakers, my desires for this relationship. Where do I see this relationship going in one year, five years? Do I see it as a 10 year? Do I want kids? No kids. I mean, I think all this needs to be discussed. Like the first or second date, you know?
[00:03:39] Rebecca: Oh my gosh, that is so early
[00:03:42] Jodi: Absolutely. Yeah. Why waste time? You know? And then you can determine what kind of relationship is actually going to, This is going to be,
[00:03:52] Rebecca: Yeah. Okay. So let's say that we're on a first date and we're trying to figure out how, like what's possible here, but it's a first date, so we still don't know each other very well.
[00:04:03] We don't know how our lives fit together. How would you recommend approaching.
[00:04:06] Jodi: Well, on my first date, I know exactly what I want. Like, why did I call this person? Why did I say yes to this person? Why am I spending time with this person? Do I want to just have a one night stand, or do I wanna snuggle? Or am I looking for something deeper?
[00:04:26] Am I looking for a friendship with benefits? Am I looking for a long-term relationship? I mean, deep down, we know what, why we've said yes to this encount. So to be really honest about this is why I am here, is the only thing you really can do on a first date. And then you can also say, Why are you here?
[00:04:50] And I have a good example of this actually. Ooh, can you share? I can. So I had a guy who saw me in one of these nice sexual arenas called the Khas, where you learn about sexuality and learn about relationships and how to be communicating and, and this and that. And so there was a guy who was there and he looked at me and he determined that I was going to be his partner.
[00:05:18] He liked the way I looked, he liked the way I asked questions. He. He just decided I wanna be her partner. She's going to be mine just for
[00:05:29] Rebecca: the workshop or like, No,
[00:05:31] Jodi: he wanted to be my partner. So at the workshop, because it was a safe environment, he told me that and said, I would love to be your partner. And I said, What does that look like?
[00:05:45] And he said, I want to be your primary partner. I want to be a part of your life. I want it to be long term and this is what I have to give to it. And I live in Colorado and I said, Well, I live in Arizona and I am not interested in doing a long distance relationship as a primary partner. And he said, I'll move.
[00:06:12] I'll come to Arizona and live with you. And then I had to say, Well, I have a daughter and here's what my life is about. And he said, That sounds wonderful. I wanna come. I wanna move to see you. So I said, All right, well, why don't we start with a quit a visit. And so he came to visit and I set time aside. We had like two days to be together.
[00:06:36] And the first day he came, we had breakfast and over breakfast, I said, What is your dream for yourself? And then he told me what his dreams were. And then he, I said, What do you dream about this relationship? And he said, Well, I would love to be support for your daughter and you and I would, this is, you know, this is what I'm interested in.
[00:07:04] I wanna support you in your dreams. But he doesn't know my dreams. So I really listened to everything that he was looking to create for himself first, and then what he dreamt into the relationship. And then I told him what my dreams were and what I was up to, which is quite a lot right now. And you know, even the, even the talk about, well, I have a dog, would you be interested in walking the dog while I'm at work or when I'm doing my intensive workshops?
[00:07:38] Are you gonna be home with the kid while I'm not there? Would you drive her to school? Would you do the, you know, all these things and what do you expect from me? And in this weekend, we looked at whether we had physical chemistry, whether we had similar goals and dreams for the next five years. And then the daily practical, like, are you a good, are you a cook?
[00:08:05] Uh, do you clean? What is your skills? And then looked at, is there a good match here? And then of course I went with my intuition, which, which when I told him what my dreams were after listening to his, he said, Wow, that's a really big dream. Mm-hmm. . I don't know if I can fulfill that dream. You might need at least three men.
[00:08:32] I wanna be one of them. . That's amazing. That's a very good assessment. It was a very honest assessment. And, and in that, in that breakfast, which took about three hours, it was literally like an interview and it was a total honest interview. And then after those three hours, we took some time apart, took like two hours apart.
[00:08:54] I went for a walk and did what I had to do and he took a little nap. And when we came back together that afternoon, that's when he said, I'm not sure I can actually win. Fully, but here's what I can contribute. And that honesty created so much more of an attraction and then helped us to dream into how he could be a part of my life, but not my primary.
[00:09:20] Mm-hmm. . And he's still a part of my life now. We work together and we help each other with our intimacy coachings and things like that. And he's a sweet lover of mine. And then we, we have an agreement that if we wanna do ceremony together, we can. That's beautiful. So that's how I handle that. .
[00:09:42] Rebecca: I love it. I love hearing other people's ways of creating the life that they want, because I always get inspired.
[00:09:48] I'm like, Oh yeah, I gotta do this a little bit differently. So while I was listening to this conversation, I feel like it's a fantastic template for. Potentially much more serious relationship. What if you have, uh, an experience where you just kind of connect with somebody in your real world and like, Okay, well we wanna explore this, but how do we do this in a good way?
[00:10:11] How would you approach something like that?
[00:10:13] Jodi: I've done that several times as well. ,
[00:10:15] Rebecca: I figured you maybe had .
[00:10:18] Jodi: So there was a time in my life when, you know, it was after my divorce with my husband of seven years and I was studying orgasmic meditation. I was creating a big open sexual community in Hawaii where I was teaching and coaching, and I wanted lovers.
[00:10:40] At that point, and so I saw this very good looking man, had an immediate attraction and said, Hey, if you're interested in getting together, I'd give me a call. And after about two months he gave me a call and, and I said, This is the intent for our connection. I would love to make love with you. I'm looking to have a lover.
[00:11:05] And again, I had my, do I have my daughter? So I said, I'm looking for a lover two days the week, a Monday and Thursday when my daughter's in school. So it's between this hour and this hour. And he was like, Wow, sounds amazing. And he was so straight. He had never heard of this kind of communication before.
[00:11:25] So I said, Well, if you're open to that, let's get together and let's talk more about it. And so, He came over and there was an immediate sexual attraction. But I told him, I said, Stay over there across the room please, because we have some things that we need to discuss. And then I just went onto, this is what my intent is.
[00:11:48] These are my deal breakers. This is my sexual history. Uh, this is, I need to use condoms, or this is what I'm doing for sexual protection and. Here are the things I love. Here are the things that I love to do and this is how much time we have and this is what I'm looking to create. And for some reason in this particular interaction, this thing that came out of my mouth was says, Oh, how do you feel about when somebody's making love to you and they say, I love you.
[00:12:23] And he said, I don't mind. And I said, Oh, okay, great. And then I was surprised. I said, Wow, that's a funny thing for me to say, but okay. And then I asked him, What's your sexual history? What's your sexual protection? What do you love? What don't you like? Is there anything off limits? And are, you know, do you have any other, First question is always, do you have any sexual partners that I need to speak with or talk to?
[00:12:50] Are you in a relationship? What kind of relationship? So that's a very big piece, and we can talk a little bit more into that. But with these ground rules, which took about, also, it takes some time. It was not a 15 minute conversation, it's more like a 45 minute to an hour and a half conversation of details.
[00:13:11] And therefore, once that container's been set, And we say, Yes, game on. And we had sex outside on the porch in the shower, and there was a moment that felt so good in that interaction that I did
[00:13:34] Rebecca: great. We
[00:13:37] Jodi: were lovers for about eight months. Wow. And then he decided he wanted a long-term relationship and he was looking for a partner. And so our last interaction was, uh, an intent for him to find his partner. Wow. And we're still friends today. That's
[00:13:57] Rebecca: lovely. Oh, I have some friends kind of like that. I see.
[00:14:02] Like I said, I love hearing other people talk about this stuff because we all approach it just a little bit differently and talk about it just a little bit differently and I'm hearing a lot of fine tuning words in the way you're conversing and a lot of this first, then that, which I think is really helpful.
[00:14:18] I think I can update my own, uh, approach to some of these more casual relationships especially, so that's exciting. Mm-hmm. .
[00:14:29] Jodi: Do you wanna talk about your way of doing it? How you, Uh,
[00:14:34] Rebecca: my way of doing, which I, I'm not sure it's actually that different except that, um, Yeah. So I, I haven't usually allowed people from certain aspects of my life, like my work life to come into my romantic world.
[00:14:49] And for me, there's some good reasons for that, just to, it's hard for everyone, especially for them. To let go of the fantasy of who they think I am because of who they see at work versus who I am in the rest of my life. Cuz I have laundry and dishes and groceries like everybody else. Um, but they don't see that when they're clients, of course.
[00:15:13] Right? Right,
[00:15:14] Jodi: exactly. So it takes a different set of agreements when you're talking about a lover or talking about a friendship, even friendship with benefits or long-term partner.
[00:15:27] Rebecca: And in this I interviewed five friends at an orgy. We were actually at an orgy, and they're all polyamorous and they're very adept at relationship agreements and things like that.
[00:15:38] So I had asked each one of them a different set of questions, and one of them was talking about when he wants to go and fulfill a fantasy or explore. He takes a few minutes to consider all of the risk, cuz there's the physical risk, there's STIs and pregnancy and all of that, depending on what you're doing.
[00:15:54] But there's also emotional risk. And we talked a little bit with him about what that looks like. But I'm curious from your perspective, I mean, obviously there's emotional risk on everybody's part. Everyone who's engaging in any kind of relationship, how do you. Adjust for that. Pay attention to that. Make sure everyone knows what they're getting into, kind of thing.
[00:16:18] Jodi: Okay, Well I love it because emotional risk is for me, how much energy is this gonna take emotionally? , you know? So if I'm engaging in, let's say a couple wants to open up their relationship and they called me to say, Hey, would you be interested in playing with us? I have to see if the emotional maturity is there and, and it could be that it's a first time experience for them, and how can I make it so it's so safe where there's always an energy gain for all three, where it's a win, win win, a co empowered experience.
[00:17:00] Otherwise, if it's a win-win, lose, we all lose. And I'm very clear that if ever I interact, it really needs to be a coem, empowered, win, win, win experience. And that does not mean that it's always gonna be fun or it's gonna have like the greatest sexual chemistry ever. The win, win win could be as simple as I'm gonna speak.
[00:17:30] Honestly. I'm gonna take the sacred pause when I need it. I'm going to stay very connected to myself, and I'm willing to stop if somebody says red or somebody says This doesn't feel good anymore and I've changed my mind to me. Those are all win win, win experiences. Another win win win experience I had just recently was when a couple wanted to engage and they call themselves open, but they had a lot of emotional discord between the two of them, and they wanted me to sort of coach them and play with them.
[00:18:15] And then when I realized that the woman had a lot more attachment to the guy, Than he had, and he didn't have a lot of maturity. In his communication. The energy was a loss because every time we would even just sit down to have a conversation, she got jealous or she started crying and nothing had even happened yet.
[00:18:42] So the win, win win for me in that dynamic was to simply say, I really care about all of you. And I see that there's not enough maturity here and what needs to happen in order to create a safe environment for all three of us to engage sexually would mean we would need to have these foundational pieces.
[00:19:10] And then I was able to share what those were. And say, I am not gonna engage right now at this point where you guys are at, but I will hold the container for maturity that maybe next year if there's another opportunity, we can do so. And in the meantime, we can learn skills that will help with honest heart to heart communication, how to stay balanced in our emotions, and how can we take care of ourselves first.
[00:19:42] And not do something in codependent, Oh, well I'm gonna do this because my partner wants me to. That is already a red flag for me. Yeah. Yeah. So I look for red flags. That's
[00:19:54] Rebecca: fairly similar to what I do when I'm working with a couple as clients. It's a, like, I always require that I meet and talk to both of them before the session.
[00:20:03] Mm-hmm. so that I can make sure everyone is doing it because they want to do it. And everyone feels empowered to say no if they wanna, if they need to say no, cuz other. And that was pointless. Uh, so yeah, I, I'm, I'm the same way. And I think recently I started posting on my website about, you know, if you are a couple, looking to have a third, these are the kinds of things that are important to think about.
[00:20:26] And one of them is when something goes wrong. Is the person that you are saying, is your partner going to be able to address that with you or you going to start fighting against each other? Cause if you can fight the problem together, then that's a completely different situation and I am happy to help you with that
[00:20:45] But if you're gonna start fighting each other, this is not gonna be any fun.
[00:20:49] Jodi: Exactly. And I think for those couples who really wanna open up the relationship, I think having an out a third party, A coach such as yourself or anyone in their area, even if it goes well that they should talk before they open up the experience, they should have a conversation after the experience so that they can also integrate what happened.
[00:21:13] I think that's really important. And there was something else you said. Uh oh, I know what it was. It's about not only can a person sometimes say and know, but as a third person, And a person who's willing to hold one's self as an autonomous being, do I have the skills to read in the physical, a hesitation or a no in the body so that at least I can check in with the person?
[00:21:47] And I know that we all have these intuitive moments when we're playing and suddenly my body, I'll be like, Oh, I'm so horny right now and I just wanna go for it. And something inside says, Wait. And then do I listen to that voice or listen to that sensation in my body that I'm about to go for something and then all of a sudden I hold.
[00:22:15] And I just had an experience with this and I held back and I honored that hesitation and said, You know, I think maybe I'll just wait before I interact. Maybe I should leave the threesome as it is right now. We haven't gone all the way. But maybe this is enough for now, and then let's see how this resolve itself or integrates in the next day or two.
[00:22:46] And it turned out that my hesitation was actually a great thing because again, the woman was just a little bit over her head in overwhelm and didn't quite know how to ground the energy and didn't know how to integrate. To walk it out so that it would be beautiful in her world. And so she needed a lot of communication and a lot of processing.
[00:23:16] And so I was really grateful that we had not gone over. So the hesitation, although I thought it was me, it was actually the hesitation in the space. So are you skilled or is there someone in the space who can read that and honor that?
[00:23:33] Rebecca: That is really beautiful. I think that recognizing that within myself is one of the reasons why I do feel confident in other people's relationships now.
[00:23:45] But it taken a while. It's taken a while and lots of trips and falls and mistakes and figuring out, Oh well that doesn't work. Try again. Rebecca. . Exactly.
[00:23:54] Jodi: And that did, that took me a long time of trial and error. There's one other thing I really wanna talk about I think would be interesting is, Talking to, if you choose to be with a partner and they're already in a committed relationship or they're dating others, I think this is something that is not addressed very much in our community or in our world and collective consciousness right now.
[00:24:24] A man might say, might just disregard, Ooh, I have an attraction to you. Therefore, well, my partner, she's fine with. And or they don't ask the question, Do you have a partner? What is your relationship like? And then listen to what is spoken and listen to what is not spoken. And I have made the mistake of when somebody, when a man says, Oh yeah, my relationship is open, or, Yes, we are free dancers.
[00:24:57] If I know the person, especially I've learned this, is that it's very important no matter what to communicate to the partner before I engage. And if the guy says, No, no, no, you really don't have to. Well, I'm sorry. That is something that I need to do in order to feel like I can play full out. Yeah. Says, Well, it's, she doesn't wanna know then I, You're not the person that I wanna be playing with.
[00:25:23] Yeah. Another major energy loss. Disempowered experience.
[00:25:30] Rebecca: Yeah, for me too, it's one of those things that if you and your partner don't wanna share what you're doing, that's up to you. But that's not how I live my life and I can't really. Be in a lot of harmony with people that have that mindset. It's not, It's not that they're doing anything wrong or whatever, and you choose what works best for you, but that doesn't work for me,
[00:25:52] It doesn't work for me at all.
[00:25:54] Jodi: It doesn't work for me either. And there's something incredibly healing about being able to have a three way or four way. 10 way conversation . You know about, well, what's your intent and who are you? And I'm about to exchange, you know, energy with this person and you are connected to this person.
[00:26:19] Therefore, in some ways I'm connected to you. Yeah. And as soon as I'm with somebody sexually, you're gonna feel me as well. So here's who I am. Here's my essence. And I'm looking forward to co-creating with you.
[00:26:35] Rebecca: Yeah, and what I like about the way you said that is it highlights for me, I've realized very clearly the most important thing for me and who I'm around is that harmony matters to them as well.
[00:26:48] Because somebody for whom harmony matters in their family and in their polyamorous group or their polyurea, whatever, they're not going to bring in someone that's going to be a disruptive influence just because, Well, it's a hot piece of tale, right? No, that's the, That's not how respectful partners interact.
[00:27:07] And if they're skipping over that piece, that is a huge red flag for me. But when they are open and willing to be connected and harmonious and to bring their best version of themself, even if they have different beliefs and different desires for what they want out of the relationship, then at least we can work with it.
[00:27:25] Then we're on the same page on some level. Absolutely.
[00:27:29] Jodi: I agree with that. I'm working with a couple right now whose husband has a stronger libido than his wife, and we got on a three-way call. And I immediately felt so much respect and love for this woman who's gonna allow me to be with her husband, and she was so honest about the thing that she was working on was, how do I hold myself when the two of you are together?
[00:28:04] What can I do to support you, Jody, and being with my husband. And how can I, you know, I get jealous and how do I, What's the best way for me to hold my energy, you know? And so I was, so, I got a chance to talk to her about some of the things that I do when I have given permission for my partner to be with someone else for long periods of time, even, you know, even if they wanted to go on a vacation for seven days.
[00:28:40] And she really wanted him to be very present, which meant not a lot of phone calls or processing with me. How could I really give my man to someone else with a true blessing? Yeah. And I started to discover for me that. When I have my attention on my own Pleasure at that time, like I get to do things while my partner is gone, and it's not necessarily like me going to have sex because he's going to have sex.
[00:29:12] Oftentimes, that's not actually accurate. That for me, it's more about like, Oh, I get to go work on my book, or, Oh, I get to go do a class, or I get to go to. Cleanse, I get to do a cleanse that I wanna do or spend time with my girlfriends, or paint or sing or do something else, Be in ceremony or travel to someplace that I've always wanted to go.
[00:29:39] So something that really matters to you, Something that really matters to me, that would bring me a great amount of Pleasure that would take my attention more on that. And wondering what's he doing? What's he doing?
[00:29:51] Rebecca: Right. Yeah. Yeah. I, I've did very similar things. My, when I was married, my husband would travel once or twice a month for a week at a time, and it was great cuz as soon as he'd leave the house, I'm like, All right.
[00:30:02] Now this house project is gonna get done in the next five days. There's no one else around to get in the way. I don't have to work around his schedule. I just tear the entire house apart as much as I want. Have it back together by Friday. And I'm fine. And the whole time I am happy as a clam because I'm doing what I love.
[00:30:18] I'm making my house feel better. I'm getting a lot of like physical movement and exercise, and I have something at the end of the week that I can look at it, say, Hey, check this out. It's cool. I'm so
[00:30:28] Jodi: proud. That is exactly it. Yes. And then you're really staying in your own circle, and then they get to do what they have to do, and then when they come back, they're full of what their experience is to come back and bring it to the relationship.
[00:30:41] And you get to share your shining and your beauty and what you've done as well. Yeah.
[00:30:48] Rebecca: This episode, like what are the little snippets here that you think are most helpful to remember embarking in something new like this? The
[00:30:57] Jodi: number one thing I find is most important is honoring and respecting the partnership, like knowing what I want.
[00:31:09] Knowing what each person is up to, what their desires are, and really having respect for the partner or for the partners in their dreaming or what they desire. The second thing I think is, and maybe this is not totally in order, cuz I think it's like, am I able to really hold myself in this experience?
[00:31:33] That would probably be number one. You know, am I able to hold this? Is this my true desire or am I doing this for anybody else? And even if I am, let's say my partner says they wanna open up the relationship and I'm hesitant about it, or I don't know yet, I would have to really connect with my own desire to do it for me.
[00:31:55] So what's in it for me so that I can engage fully for my own growth, regardless of whether my partner wants me to or not. And am I capable of holding the space? Can I hold myself? Will it be an energy gain for me? Will I be balanced in my emotions? How is this gonna feed my spirituality or my body's nourishment?
[00:32:19] And just know. And I think the last thing that I would be very, that I think would be a very important thing to remember is, is this a co empowered experience? How am I gonna feel after this? How is everybody gonna feel? Is it gonna be a win, win, win? And if not, what needs to happen in order for it to be a win, win win?
[00:32:42] Rebecca: Mm, I like that because I was about to ask you, how do you measure co empowerment? And then you said, does everybody feel like it's a win-win? Is that the key?
[00:32:54] Jodi: That's the key. And it can everybody be able to be honest? Can then anyone say, Hey, I need a pause. How comfortable am I in this space? Can I be myself?
[00:33:08] Is there freedom to change my mind here? Am I able to speak my truth, my voice right now? Well, am I gonna be able to speak my truth when I'm in a high sexual experience?
[00:33:20] Rebecca: Yeah. Cuz they're sometimes different. .
[00:33:22] Jodi: Yeah, they're sometimes really different. And if I don't, if I can't, and I know I can't, Then do I have a signal or can I at least let my partners know, Hey, um, when I get into high sexual experience, I sometimes lead my body and I'm not sure where I go.
[00:33:40] Can you watch out for that? And then you're at least being honest about the situation, and then the questions can follow. Well, what does it look like when you leave your body? How will I know? How do you want me to check in with you? How do I get you present again? Is there, Those are all good
[00:33:59] Rebecca: questions. I wanna know the answers.
[00:34:01] Jodi: Yeah. Is there any support that you need so that you don't leave your body? That's the first and foremost important. Why are you leaving your body? And as you can see, that conversation alone could take a good hour. ? Yeah. Like you leave your body when you have sex. Hold on a minute. Red flag for Okay. I want you to be really present and enjoying the experience, cuz if you're leaving.
[00:34:25] Why are you leaving?
[00:34:27] Rebecca: And it always takes some of the Pleasure away from the partner when you're not present. So
[00:34:33] Jodi: yeah, and it could be then, uh, a false yes. Mm-hmm. . And so you wanna find out, because if the person is not engaged a hundred percent of the time, then where's the consent? And are they willing to take full responsibility for their experience?
[00:34:52] And we all can check out every once in a while. We can all have a no that we think is a yes, and then we find out, oops, that was a no. But am I responsible to say, you know, I really didn't like that, but I didn't say no in the moment, but I wanna be responsible and say, I didn't say no and it, I'm not blaming you.
[00:35:16] I just didn't say no. And now I can forgive myself for not saying no. But I'm not gonna put a whole movement on Facebook because I didn't know how to say no. I didn't even know I was a no. Or I was a yes and then turned a no in the middle of the situation. But I'm fully responsible for my experience as I step in, and I'm willing to continue to stay connected and speak my truth.
[00:35:47] And if I can't, I want your support. And I want us to have a hand signal and I want us to work together because I really wanna try this thing, but it's an edge and I wanna honor my edge and I want, I want the support. Can we go really slowly here?
[00:36:07] Rebecca: I love that you're giving so many good words to this, because I found years ago when I was working as a cortisone at the very beginning that there's very few things that I didn't know how to address once I made myself realize I'm the one that's responsible for this, so what do I need to do?
[00:36:25] Or what do I need to say? Do I need to assume that they're not understanding that one word that I said that I figured everybody understands or that noise. To some people means keep going, and to some people means stop, right? So I had to start thinking about that kind of stuff and finding ways to be clear in my communication.
[00:36:43] But it was also interesting because as I was saying those things, there was a certain amount of fear that was coming up in me. If I say this, they're not gonna be happy, or this is gonna ruin our relationship or whatever. But it never did. It never ruined it. It always made it better and. Continually having that experience.
[00:37:04] If every time I speak up, it finds a way of making it better, gave me a lot more confidence and willingness to keep doing it. So now I almost don't even think about it. I take for granted that I am responsible for what I am doing. And yeah, so I, I think I just wanted to put that out there that you can, you don't know at first what it's going to turn into, but speaking up for.
[00:37:29] Is one of the best ways to have real Pleasure that just continues to grow over the course of your life and
[00:37:36] Jodi: will continue to save the relationship. Because what I, I know from my own experience is when I didn't speak up and just said yes, or I didn't say what I wanted or I didn't say no, that actually ended up causing resentment.
[00:37:54] And it continued to push away the person in my experience, and they didn't know that because they didn't know I wasn't speaking up, so they couldn't meet me. I just had decided, Oh, they probably don't wanna hear this. I don't wanna be a disturbance in this space. They look like they're having such a good time.
[00:38:16] My needs don't matter. I don't matter. They're really not gonna wanna hear the word no right now. They're not gonna wanna know about my jealousy or my rage or my fears, and so therefore I stuffed it. This is back in the day when I just was too afraid and didn't have enough self-worth or self-respect to even think that what I had to say mattered.
[00:38:40] And it ended up destroying the relationship. The. Openness of the relationship did not that we could always get, we could communicate, but the fact that I didn't speak, that I didn't wanna do it anymore, or that I wanted something different, that's what actually ended the relationship.
[00:39:04] Rebecca: And interestingly, I think this is the way I would say it, the reason it ended the relationship is you stopped being connected to any kind of fire or passion.
[00:39:14] You were cutting off that connection to all of those things by saying no, and by not speaking up. And then what is left? There's nothing left. But the hard work, it's
[00:39:23] Jodi: exactly what you said. It's the deeper intimacies. The deeper intimacies are those moments when you're like, Oh, I'm a no here, or, Oh, I'm judging myself for, or, Oh, I'm scared.
[00:39:39] All of those are the true deep, intimate moments. That are so welcome and healing when spoken in the space of high sexual energy. Yeah,
[00:39:52] Rebecca: and one of the other powerful things that I've learned, and I think everyone comes to at some point, is when you hear other people talking about what it's like to have sex with someone that's not present or that's not speaking up for themselves, they hate it.
[00:40:08] No, nobody likes it. Bad sex is. Still good sex, right? Like having someone that is there and that wants to be there is so important that without it you might as well almost not be having
[00:40:22] Jodi: sex. Agreed. So slowing down, I think I'd add that to the list. So we have talking to each other's partners, right? Open heart to heart communication.
[00:40:33] Am I able to hold myself in this experience and be a hundred percent accountable and responsible for what I'm creating? And take full responsibility for the aftermath or the aftercare of it, right? And then can I slow down enough to honor myself each other and the experience and beauty of our creation no matter what.
[00:41:02] Rebecca: That is such a good summary, . I love that. I'm gonna make sure those bullet points are in the show notes so everyone can take a look and see . Absolutely. Wonderful. So now I hear that you have something coming up here for couples and some intimacy things. Do you wanna share what you've got?
[00:41:21] Jodi: Sure. There is a retreat that's happening in Boulder.
[00:41:27] It's called The Sexual Freedom Immersion, and that is November 3rd through the fifth and. I guess you're gonna give my contact details, right? Okay. So it's at jody bay good gmail.com and you can ask me questions about that. I also do a couple's intimacy weekend, which is a customized retreat experience.
[00:41:51] And then I also, for your listeners, um, I do individual coaching or couples coaching, and that's usually two 50, but you guys all can have it for 150. Um, And I'll even add an extra 30 minutes there. So an hour and a half to help you get started in how to either explore and make your monogamous relationship even deeper, intimacy and a lot more fun, uh, and a high energy gain.
[00:42:21] Um, and for those of you who are interested in learning a little bit more about opening or sharing your desire with your partner, um, I also help with that in my. Individual coaching.
[00:42:34] Rebecca: How fantastic would a beautiful gift to have someone like you be able to walk people through this very fragile and challenging experience?
[00:42:45] Yes. Very cool.
[00:42:46] Jodi: Yeah, it's so much fun. It's a, it's a real honor to be working with couples so that they can really get the most out of it and stay incredibly connected and loving to each other. I
[00:42:58] Rebecca: love. Well, Jody, thank you so much for being on the show. It is so wonderful to hear. Have you here? Yeah. Thank you
[00:43:06] Jodi: so much.
[00:43:06] This is such a great way to connect. This is our first time doing something like this, so it was a lot of fun. I appreciate it.
[00:43:13] Rebecca: Yeah, and I would love to have you back.
[00:43:14] Jodi: Wonderful. I'd love it. Thank you. Yeah.
[00:43:21] Rebecca: Hey there, Pleasure Seeker. Well, that's it for today's conversation here at Pleasure. Central Radio. We love using conscious communication, science, geekery and copious amounts of true Pleasure to improve our partnerships, our money, and our love lives. And we hope you do too. If you loved what you heard here, we'd love a review.
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[00:44:00] Follow me on your favorite podcast player. Find out more and get in touch at Pleasure Central Radio dot com. Your thought to ponder today is
[00:44:10] Jodi: the number one thing I find is most important is honoring and respecting the partnership, like knowing what I want. Knowing what each person is up to, what their desires are, and really having respect for the partner or for the partners in their dreaming or what they desire.