[00:00:00] Rebecca: My reason for being poly boils down to, I want myself and my partners to be able to take advantage of whatever opportunities feel important to them. Even if that person in that adventure ends up, taking them completely away from me, I would still rather, they be happy and follow that important thing if that's what they really want.
When I tell people that normally come from a monogamous mindset. They often seem to think that giving your partner the freedom to go and explore means that you don't really care whether they're there or not. And I don't think that could be further from the truth for me. I care. I just care that they're happy.

Hey you, thanks for tuning in just a quick heads up this episode is rated R so expect that there will be some language that you may not want your kids to hear lots of adult topics and quite possibly [00:01:00] some explicit conversations about sex. This episode is probably not safe for work though. You know, I guess it depends on where you are.
Hey there and welcome back to Pleasure Central Radio. This is your host Radiant Rebecca. So the next two episodes are a two-part and it's called how you love is enough. And the reason I'm calling this episode of how you love is enough is I want it to be a reminder that we don't have to be everything for everybody.
And. We can still have a very strong, powerful, secure connection with somebody, without them providing everything that we need. And that can be a tricky balance to figure out I've learned over the years, that the more connected the relationship appears to be the harder it is to throw off the ideological concepts of [00:02:00] monogamy.
You can be everything for me, or even it can be nearly everything for me. And I've found in my own history and my own love life, that it can be incredibly satisfying to make conscious thoughtful deals and to negotiate with people about how much we're willing to be for each other, what we're willing to be for each other and where those limits stop.
This particular relationship that I'm going to highlight. Right. Is a newer one for me, but it's one that I've had many months of focus about what I really need. And Josh is a wonderful guy and we both wanted a certain kind of nesting partner relationship, some kind of anchor partner. And we both are very definitively Polly and wanted to continue to be able to see other people and move around.
Do things and have a lot of freedom. So you'll hear [00:03:00] in this episode how we've decided to work it out. And I hope it inspires you to remember that how you love in every relationship that you're in is enough. And if you can only give someone a small piece of your life, that's totally fine. It's really helpful if you talk to them about that.
So they know what to expect, and that's totally fine. Now, especially as we're recovering. Trauma or breakups or the world crazy, whatever it is, there is often some time that we need to pause and to reassess and to look at our own lives. And when we're doing that, we only have a certain amount of energy for romantic entanglements or other types of relationships.
And it's okay to be upfront about that. It's really, really helpful to be upfront about that. Being clear about what matters and what you can actually provide for somebody and renegotiating when that changes [00:04:00] really, really helpful relationship skills. And I hope that this is a useful couple of episodes.
Do you remember how you love is enough? I have. Sandra DCTs tonight. This is one of my newer partners. This is Josh. Hi Josh. Hey Rebecca. So I wanted to do probably a quick episode here to introduce you and to talk a little bit about how we met and how our relationship is going. And you've been so willing and happy to share that from many months ago, but we kept putting off the recording of it.
Part of that is I just wanted to keep it to myself for a while. And here we are. So what to do we say about us getting one of the benefits of having other partners on their show is it gives [00:05:00] people some concept of what happy working poli relationships are like, because until you can at least have an idea of it.
It can be so hard to imagine that it makes no sense, but once you start to hear from other people about why they're calling and what works and what doesn't, and then it, it can be very helpful, educational thing.

[00:05:24] Josh: Can be helpful in internalizing what you would otherwise just be thinking of intellectually.

[00:05:33] Rebecca: Yeah, I can. All right. So for people who don't know us, what do you think are the most important things for them to know about us? To understand our relationship? One of the things that I thought was very unique when we met is we both have. Another person that's still held this place in our heart. That was very important [00:06:00] that we weren't ready to let go of.
And I was having a challenging time finding people that could truly understand that and understand what I was going through. And you did. And you understood, you understood it clearly enough that I could tell you had grown through some of those experiences. Why should I, that was really cool.

[00:06:28] Josh: It's important to have a sense of parody with your partner.

[00:06:33] Rebecca: Um, but does that sense of parody even mean

[00:06:37] Josh: the sense that you are a peer in more than just age, social status point place in left? It's this idea that you share and understand that.

[00:06:54] Rebecca: So as sort of equality

[00:06:56] Josh: very much so. Yeah.
[00:06:59] Rebecca: didn't get [00:07:00] behind that. I think I am especially a big fan of seeing quality, not necessarily as equal, but as a hundred percent.
Right. So different people bring different things and have different, different skills and different gifts, but it can add up to a beautiful whole, if everybody's on board. That imbalance, which actually can often create a whole new imbalance, which is cool.
[00:07:29] Josh: More of a collective balance. The name one-to-one balance.
[00:07:34] Rebecca: Yeah, it was pretty early on in our dating. And you were, you were telling me stories. I don't remember how this came up.
[00:07:46] Josh: Yeah, I think we were driving home. Oh, maybe that was it from a party at a friend's house.
[00:07:56] Rebecca: Okay. Now I remember, I actually [00:08:00] remember the date too, because it was the 4th of July and we were driving home and we had a fairly long car ride.
And I asked you, I asked you though,
[00:08:14] Josh: I think we were talking about.
We had mentioned in some fashion I remember,
and something I loved about them.
[00:08:30] Rebecca: Yeah. You did. And then you proceeded to tell me about them in chronological order, starting from the girl, you had a crush on in kindergarten and what you loved about her all the way through to, you know, adult crushes and heartbreaks. And what really struck me about that was even though this is your first romantic relationship, you clearly know love.
And that you're open [00:09:00] to the beauty and the magic. And it's not something that everybody has. That was definitely one of the big things that attracted media.
[00:09:12] Josh: You reminded that Amir Sulaiman said in the poem, she said he has to truly love, loves before he can truly love.
Yeah.
[00:09:31] Rebecca: Oh, that's beautiful. What poem was that from?
[00:09:34] Josh: She said conversation with a woman who's rather disillusioned with love.
[00:09:43] Rebecca: Might have to put a link to that one in the show notes though. You could probably recite it by heart. I know you have a fat ass memory.
[00:09:55] Josh: I probably couldn't do it. Justice. He's a very low black [00:10:00] Muslim man.
And I am this tiny white atheist man.
[00:10:05] Rebecca: Yeah. Okay. I can see the point. It's moving out of the right casting.
[00:10:09] Josh: There's something lost and just the atmosphere of it.
[00:10:14] Rebecca: Well, maybe I can find someone to come and read that. It's the one who will fit the type. I was just mentioned that this is your first romantic relationship and it's not like you're 21.
I'm sure people are curious. How is that possible?
[00:10:32] Josh: When I was younger, I was dealing with a lot of tough things. Wasn't really the right. Perceive her relationship. However much I tried. Listen to a really bad place for a quite long time. And it took another friend existing to get me in a place where I was ready to try again.
And after some false starts found you. [00:11:00]
[00:11:00] Rebecca: I remember when you told some of your family that we had been dating. I had quite a surprise. It turns out one of your siblings had some experience with polyamorous relationships. So it seemed like you had this interesting sort of coming out, but a little bit of that would probably a good kind of let down and that it was way more accepted than you expected it to be.
What was that like?
[00:11:26] Josh: It was interesting. I knew somewhat that my. Family. It had interesting relationships in the past. I knew that my family member in question was by, um, I had spoken with other family members regarding my own orientation, but this was a new thing. And it was kind of interesting to find kind of an echo of it to be an echo of it.[00:12:00]
[00:12:01] Rebecca: Well, and I love stories like that because as someone who has gotten progressively more and more vocal about all of my life, including the parts of a lot of people, don't talk about, I've found that on the whole. There are a lot more people like us than we think they are. There are a lot of people that we assume would be judgmental that turns out are not, you know, maybe they've had experience.
Maybe they know someone, but there's a lot more open-mindedness than I ever expected. Now, maybe that's a factor given where I live, I do live on one of the liberal coasts in the United States, but I also believe that there are a lot more. Open and accepting people than we usually
[00:12:46] Josh: believe poly people in the house,
[00:12:52] Rebecca: something like that.
Yeah. So in the six months or so that we've been dating, you've gotten to [00:13:00] come spend some time with a lot of people that I have dated or other people that I'm dating currently. And that is such a pretty interesting place to be. I'm sure. Especially for. So new to relationships. Tell us a little bit about,
[00:13:20] Josh: well, you tend to attract a particular type of good person.
I wouldn't say surprised, but pleasantly something with your partners past and present generally. Yeah. Wait a little longer into a relationship before that's the way some automatic.
[00:13:49] Rebecca: Yeah, well,
[00:13:52] Josh: or at least a little longer into your first relationship.
[00:13:55] Rebecca: Six weeks, six weeks, six or eight. I think [00:14:00] I know it was really early.
I was pretty fucking impressed. I was like, are you really? Oh my God. Cool.
[00:14:07] Josh: Yeah.
[00:14:10] Rebecca: Maybe the best three, some other hand.
[00:14:13] Josh: Yeah.
[00:14:14] Rebecca: Pretty awesome. Yeah. So there've been times at my house where two of my other lovers and two of my other partners will be hanging out. And two of my ex's and two of other people's girlfriends and.
It's different, but it's also
[00:14:33] Josh: really cool.
[00:14:37] Rebecca: What do you think about it?
[00:14:39] Josh: I'm not sure what to think at this point. I'm enjoying the ride figuratively and literally,
[00:14:49] Rebecca: I think one of the things that makes us work so well together is that. We've both been coming from this mindset of, I don't want any more from you than you [00:15:00] are totally happy to give. And I think that's
[00:15:04] Josh: cool. Yeah. I think it helps that we've come in with that from the beginning, instead of trying to build openness after the fact, it really lends itself to the relationship just moving in that direction instead of having to suddenly change.
Well, I think a lot of other partnerships get tripped up when they try to bring in openness as a patch rather than as an integral part of their relationship from the start.
[00:15:35] Rebecca: Yeah, you're right. I I've actually dated a lot of people. Weren't necessarily poly or they were willing to be with me. And I'm probably, even though they really didn't want to see other people, but it is different having that level of parody and starting out from the beginning of, no, we just, we want to spend time together, but we want to spend only the time that we really want to be together and we want [00:16:00] the other person to be just as willing to be there.
I think that leads to an interesting. Assumption that I've found people often have about polyamory and, well, I can't speak to anybody else's reasonings for being poly. My reason for being poly boils down to, I want myself and my partners to be able to take advantage of whatever opportunities feel important to them.
And. Who am I to say, no, don't go and follow that interesting person to an interesting adventure that doesn't make any sense. Yeah. Even if that person in that adventure ends up, taking them completely away from me, I would still rather, maybe happy and follow that thing. That seems important to them. If that's what they really want, I guess.
When I tell people this, that normally comes from a monogamous [00:17:00] mindset, they often seem to think that giving your partner the freedom to go and explore means that you don't really care whether they're there or not. And I don't think that could be further from the truth. I care. I just care that they're happy.
[00:17:19] Josh: I think this is a point where surprisingly, the. Children's movie Kung Fu Panda comes in. One character, says to the other more for the person that they love is more for the person that they love. Not less for them. It's not a zero sum game. Yeah. One person winning doesn't mean another person loses. And then of course there's the.
Aspect of by people being really bad at making choices or at least really bad at choosing between things. [00:18:00]
[00:18:01] Rebecca: Yes. So many options. Why pick just one, I remember saying to somebody wants, it was a girlfriend of mine or not a romantic girlfriend, a female friend of mine who was saying, why, why do you choose poly?
Why is that your given lifestyle? And I looked at her and I was like, I am too cool to hold. You're just one person. What the hell? And I think it sounded like entitlement to some people I'm sure. But to me it wasn't that it was just this really deep, healthy self-confidence of, yeah. What's the matter with wanting to share all this.
Awesome. You gotta
[00:18:43] Josh: take the show on the road.
[00:18:45] Rebecca: Well, I have.
There's a song that you introduced me to, which comes to mind right now, front porch
[00:18:58] Josh: by joy. We'll use, [00:19:00] say the
[00:19:02] Rebecca: lines. It's part of the chorus.
[00:19:07] Josh: Yes. Never. You signed what you're looking for. Come on back to the front porch. Say my name's with a screen. Come on back to the front porch, whatever you've done.
Doesn't matter. The Starling, we're all a little splintered and battered, but the light is on. What are you waiting for? Come on back to the front porch.
[00:19:33] Rebecca: Yes, that's fine. That's a beautiful song.
Absolutely. Yeah. But those particular lines from that song feel very much like the attitude, which I think makes for pretty happy long-term relationship, whether it's a polyamorous relationship or not, you know, whatever happens to you. It's all right. Come back home whenever you [00:20:00] want.
[00:20:05] Josh: What do you love about NASA?
We all seal far from home at some time. At some point, I guess there was that old saying that you can't go home again,
whether it's a fantasy or not. It's a pleasant one to sink that go something waiting for you. Yeah,
[00:20:29] Rebecca: that is lovely. I think that's another assumption people often make about polyamorous relationships is that we're poly because we can't commit which again, I find that to be pretty ridiculous in my own life.
I'm plenty good at committing. I'm just also good at Jacqueline,
[00:20:48] Josh: you know, world with so many things
for me, the song by Ani DiFranco cold [00:21:00] school night, where she talks about choosing between two people that she loves. Hmm, the heartache of choosing is the price you pay for living even a day in a world with so many things worth believing in.
[00:21:24] Rebecca: It's beautiful.
[00:21:27] Josh: It's got for a moment, a full monogamously sourced song.
It's got some interesting. Holly points to it. Nice. Uh, what kind of scale compares to the weight of two beauties? The gravity of duties or it's a ground speed of joy. What kind of gauge can quantify elation? What kind of equation could I possibly.[00:22:00]
Yeah,
[00:22:02] Rebecca: I know. I think that's one of the gifts that you've given me this year. I've never had listened to Eleni to franca before, and you've shown me so many of her songs. Speak things that matter to me that I've been feeling, uh, two of my favorites are manhole and bodily. They'll just have to put a link to it, but those two in particular, To me powerfully sourced, transformational songs about becoming a new person about a new sense of self-esteem through the brokenness.
So, yeah, it looks like there's going to be a lot of links in the show notes to some great songs. Do you have anything else you'd like to share Josh
[00:22:52] Josh: so much, but I think most of it's copywritten [00:23:00]
[00:23:00] Rebecca: that's right. Even your identic memory, we could be here for hours. If we let you recite everything. Yeah, I would enjoy it.
I do very much enjoy everything. Yeah, the beautiful, I, well, thanks for being on this.
[00:23:14] Josh: Thanks for having me. Just try not to end sentences with ladies
in sentence.
Creepy.
[00:23:33] Catharina: Thanks for listening to Pleasure. Central Radio hosted by Rebecca Beltran. The guest today was Josh. Technical production by me, Catharina. Advice from our podcast consultant, Sandy waters, Rebecca gets significant creative feedback from her beta listening group for this episode. Special. Thanks goes to Bob, Sarah annum, and to anyone else we might have missed your note.[00:24:00]
We look forward to your company on the next episode. Ciao.