Shawn: Hello Radiant Rebecca.

Rebecca: Hey there, Shawn. I'm so excited to talk to you about this and to help with the introduction of this next episode.

Shawn: I'm so excited to have you here too. This is a cool one. I think because it is, it's about finding the half [00:01:00] to haves are each, each of our individual have to have in a partner, what we desire in a partner.
However, the episode doesn't really outline how to find the, have to house so much as talk about the importance of it, and then point to the direct.
Rebecca: I think I'm with you.

Shawn: And, uh, you brought on a lovely woman. Wendy people can find her@wendyspeaks.com and a lot of the information that's you discuss and talk about in here.
She goes into more detail there, as well as the worksheets that she provides, which I have recently filled.

Rebecca: That's right. You sent me your worksheet. I was so excited to look through it.

Shawn: It was a fun exercise. It was fun too. Well, let's, let's talk about that. So in filling out these worksheets, I know what I think is important about it.
What do you think is important about finding the have to haves for our partner?

Rebecca: Well, I think what's important about finding the halftime. Is that they are, have to have the, the, these are things that you [00:02:00] actually need from a partner in order to have the kind of partnership that you're hoping for. And there's a lot of things that you might put on a wishlist for a partner.
If you're the kind of person that makes lists, I'm not really the kind of person that makes lists about people, because that seems a bit degrading, but I am the kind of person that. I need to know what matters most to me before I'm in a situation where I need to make a decision about what to do about that.
So I find that for me, it's really important to sit down and think critically and think clearly about what actually matters and what kinds of things might be deal breakers with a new partner so that I can not. Recognize those deal breakers when I see them, but I can also actively look at well, what might the opposite of that be or what might be a more supportive experience for me to have in a relationship.
And then how can I actively seek that out? And that's part of how I ended up as a polyamorous [00:03:00] woman. You
Shawn: speak to that inside the, uh, as you want me to have this conversation too. I loved that to your point about the list-making. I love that the worksheet was more geared towards qualities rather than she has to have brown hair in museums, medium, medium, like fingernails.
And yes, all of that stuff, like all of that is superficial and important. To some extent their physical attraction is of course important. And the worksheets tend to, in my experience, make you dive. And go into, what is the thing that's going to keep you in that relationship, if that's important to you?
Rebecca: Yeah. And you know, I think one of our common teachers, Kelly, , she talks about, I don't remember the word she uses for it, but when, when you get like a thousand points or 10,000 points for something, instead of just one point
Shawn: she was talking yeah. One point versus a thousand points like this is your 1000.0.
Your word, your 1000 point word, like this is the one thing that, you know, you'll, you'll die [00:04:00] without, this is the deal breaker. This is how you will find fulfillment or possibly not in a relationship.
Rebecca: And why not? If you don't. I think always to help if you're clear and honest with yourself. Sure. I mean, we, you know, we grow and change, so this might be something to be redone.
As we shift into new relationships every time.
Shawn: That's one of the things that I thought was an important piece of what I'm looking for. Um, I think that there's, I know I have friends that have not grown a changed in a long time and are very happy in their space. And that's a space that I wouldn't be happy in.
And, you know, I would have an expectation that my partner would be growing and changing and I would be growing and changing and that we we'd have this mutual respect and love for each other that would allow for them inside of the relationship. And
Rebecca: that's why those people that are friends are doing.
Could be they don't fit your, your
Shawn: needs. Well, and the fact that the other one is a 40 year old man with a purple [00:05:00] Mohawk, a friend of mine. So
Rebecca: there's that too, right? They don't have the right apparatus Genesis area. That matters. He's a very,
Shawn: very sweet man. Very sweet man. Nice. One of the earlier episodes that we've just completed, I said, I love clarity.
And you're like, Ooh, I do too. And that's what I really like about doing this. Because preproduction, you and I are having a conversation. And you said something to the effect of, if we aren't really clear using something like this, about what we want in a relationship, then the next shiny thing that comes up catches our eye.
And we think we want it until we realize that we don't.
Rebecca: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I think that if you don't know what you want and a relationship that makes it easy for anything that looks shiny to feel like the right thing. But if you do know what you need, not just what you want, but what you actually need, what you need to be a thriving, happy person.
You have a much better [00:06:00] chance of finding it. And I think also that this is one of the kindest things that you can do for your partners is to get clear about what really matters to you and clear about what you need and be able to communicate them. But first, you've got to be clear about them and you gotta be clear and you gotta be honest.
So, yeah.
Shawn: My purple Mohawked buddy. Who's about eight years younger than I am always says when you get to be my age and you talking about kindness, like when you get to be my age, time is of the essence, you know, it's it's in wasting time is not. And so I love what you're saying there. That that's one of the kinds of thing you can do for your partner and for yourself is to have real clarity about what you want.
Rebecca: Yeah, yeah. Especially if you're the kind of person that wants to build something. I know you and I both have different versions of wanting to build things with our partners. And that matters, you know, the time that you put into building something matters, the time that you put into building something that is inevitably going to fail, because you didn't pay attention to what mattered at the beginning.[00:07:00]
That also matters. It can be good learning time, but it is still time that may have been spent better differently.
Shawn: Indeed. I've done plenty of learning. I'm ready for the real thing now. And in fact, to your point, EDU, you and Wendy even touch on polyamory and.
Rebecca: Yeah. And I want to put out a little disclaimer here in case this particular episode, because both Wendy and I are polyamorous in cases, episode to sound preachy, or like polyamory is the right way to go.
Or you should be poly in order to be an evolved person. Neither one of us think that way or believe that personally, I think polyamory and monogamy are more choices. And you should choose what's right for you. You should choose what's right for you. And the time that you're at and the people that you're with, and that's up to you.
I chose polyamory myself knowing years ago, probably 20 years ago now, knowing that it would be a difficult, [00:08:00] challenging road to facing a lot of insecurities. But I went into it willingly and eagerly, you know, like some people go to the army because they want the benefits of bootcamp. I decided, yeah, I'm going to be Pauly and live poly because I want to know what it feels like to be confident enough to be cool with that and to reassess what I've been taught about relationships and love and partnership my entire life and find new meanings for myself.
That is not something I encourage people to take on without thinking about it, without knowing that there's a lot of work to do, if they're going to go down that journey, but there's a lot of work to do in any partnership that you want to have. So just in case, it sounds like we are too pro polyamory. In this episode, I promise that we are not, we just happen to believe that relationships should be consensual and ethical and kind and awesome.
And. [00:09:00] That happens to me and Polly, I'm
Shawn: confident that that's what you mean based on, you know, just everything that I know about you. And that's one of the things that I really appreciate about you is, you know, that I am monogamous in fact, in that, uh, in filling out that worksheet, I was like, oh yeah, that's actually what I really want.
I really want. And, and when we were talking earlier today, I was like, maybe. Uh, you said earlier that it takes a certain amount of confidence to be polyamorous. And so there's part of me that goes well, does that mean that I'm not confident? Should I be working on my confidence? Is that something that needs to be adjusted?
And my answer to that is maybe, maybe not, and not right now. That's just not what know, I, I feel like I'm confident enough in and happy with who I am and because I'm happy with who I am. That I'm, I'm good. So that's my, you know, I love that. I do love about you and I'm sure Wendy as well, that, that both of you subscribed that it is a choice and it is personal for everybody.
Rebecca: Yeah. And it's not about a, how evolved you are. You don't necessarily get more confident by being poly. In fact, I find a lot of times it's the other way around. So. [00:10:00] Really applaud you for listening to the wisdom of, no, this is what I want. Sure.
Shawn: Well, let's get going. I'm excited to listen to this again. Now, before we get started, I want everybody to know that you have an epilogue at the end of this episode, which I think ties the whole episode together and really brings it all home.
So please do not miss that after your, as you, as you're listening to this episode, please don't miss that at the very end. It's not very long and it's not very long and it's awesome. And it's awesome. Ready.
Rebecca: Ready? All right. Let's get to it. Let's go find our half to haves for our new partners. Love it.
Thinking about the relationships in your life, what has made them great. And what has made them awful? What was it about that person that gave you so much joy? Or what was it about those relationships that brought you down? Each time we invite someone into our lives. They become a part of our journey to true happiness.
So it's important for [00:11:00] you to be a little selfish in your relationships for some of us. That's hard. I know I've not been selfish enough in the past myself. But today, we're going to take a little test to see what our partners actually have to have a few episodes. I go, I talked about the partner have to have digital workshop that Wendy Newman, a frequent guest on the show has created.
In this episode. I'll be sharing my worksheet answers and maybe you'll be inspired to answer some of these questions for yourself. You know me, I'm not going to hold back. I'm going to be open about my answers. As we go through this, really think about each question and how you would answer each one of them.
We're on this journey to true happiness satisfaction in deep pleasure to get. I Wendy, welcome back to Pleasure Central Radio.
Wendy: Thank you so much for having me back. I can't wait to be with you, Rebecca. Well, one of
Rebecca: the things that I wanted [00:12:00] to talk about was the partner have to haves that you had done.
Created a digital workshop, I think is how I would describe it. And I went through it myself and I haven't finished the visioning exercise entirely, but I've done a lot of the exercises. And so I wanted to talk with you about some of those and get your thoughts and feedback and input. And. Just kinda quick create the space so that those that are listening, have the opportunity to do the same kind of thing for themselves, and hopefully are inspired and uplifted by this.
First of all, I did send you the partner half. And you had a couple of little comments. Was there anything that you wanted to say about what I had written or about the. Digital workshop in general, what you've been finding people are getting out of it. Yeah. So
Wendy: I've actually only had the opportunity to see one person who's done their whole pate, you know, their whole bunch of pages, which [00:13:00] was you.
And it was very affirming to me because the whole process is all about, you know, looking under every rock to see. What you need, what you desire, who you are, what's compatible, all the things, right. What's going to conflict with you. What's going to conflict with one item, might conflict with another item you think you need or want or desire.
So I really, as I built this thought about it from a place of look under every rock, but as I read through what you created, I was just super present to seeing you. Seeing who you are, and it reflected perfectly everything that I know about you. So I didn't expect the delight of the outcome. And I don't know if one person is working on this thing for themselves, that they're going to see their own delight in the outcome of seeing themselves because [00:14:00] they already know who they are.
Right. But I just loves seeing how much in alignment. Who you are, is with what it is you're looking for. So for me, it was the outcome that made it smell.
Rebecca: That's really helpful to hear because me going through it personally, I've looked at it and it feels so freaking obvious. It feels like everything I've been thinking about and talking about doing for years.
And so, yeah, it didn't feel like delight, but when you reflected it back and said, Hey, everything that I know about you is in this thing, it's all encapsulated in this piece of paper and this small worksheet. That that is cool. Yeah. Yeah. It's someone that knows me that, well, it can recognize me from a piece of paper.
I mean, you
Wendy: could literally put yours and 30 people that I know love and respect in a stack, and then don't put names on them and then tell me to name them 30 people. [00:15:00] I could probably do it. And it's not that I am this remarkable person who knows my people. It's just that you know who we are shines and we all, we all need drastically different things in our lives.
These lists are not going to look the same.
Rebecca: I don't want to, we can be honest about what we need in our lives. That's really cool. I think for me, that's, that was the hardest part because there was a large figure and there still is maybe why I haven't quite finished it, of what I'm going to discover and how incompatible it's going to be with what I thought I wanted.
And with the people that I've been spending time
Wendy: with. Well, and it might give you really good information about the people you're spending time with. It will show you the gap of what's missing, right? So you might actually do this exercise. This is for you, Rebecca. And for anyone who's listening, you could be spending time with people and not either think it's [00:16:00] fine or not knowing what it is about this quality time you have together, that isn't quite right.
Right. And then you do the exercises. You discover what it is. You need one desire. Well, it's going to really work well for you. And then after doing that work, you can see the gap and you can make requests. You can make new requests to see if they can step into who you need them to be, or if who they are isn't at all that then.
You know, you're going to have to get that need or desire met from someone else. And then you get to decide how you're going to be in relationship with the person that you're hanging out with.
Rebecca: Yeah. So for me, the holy grail in my relationships is someone that can take me home to their family, someone that we can have holidays with, and I can be just myself with, I don't have to hide anything about who I am.
Um, and so that piece, I still don't [00:17:00] have anybody that can do that. And being poly, I'm sitting here thinking, well, I don't have to get this. From every single person that I date, I need it from somebody that I need, but I don't have to have it from everybody. And part of me is like, yeah, that's, that's a hundred percent true.
And part of me is like, yeah, but you can't be yourself with somebody that you're dating really? How, yeah. How successful is that going to be? Just like a really lovely, intimate friendship. And I, and I see. Knowing that I've had some really lovely intimate partners over the years that haven't been able to take me home to their partner and it's been totally fine, but now maybe my needs are different enough that it's not totally fine.
And I haven't figured out how to, how to assess that out. Do you have any suggestions?
Wendy: Yeah, I think that, I mean, I think we all deserve at least one person that we. Can, you know, be with our [00:18:00] family. And I think we all deserve that, you know, whether it's with multiple partners or all the partners, I would take that case by case.
And I also think that that's not something that is, I guess, that's something that you shouldn't try and expect from a new part. 'cause you don't know them well enough yet. Like, even if you were monogamous to expect to take them home for Christmas, you know, and when you met them in August, right. Might be too soon.
So I think that it isn't will you won't you, but I think the real question is, is would you ever, and when, right, or do you think this is a possibility for us or for you. And by when, and it's, uh, I have a lot of feelings about this. It's all jumbled up in one big ball, one big poly, one big polyamorous ball [00:19:00] of one being seen and known by your people.
Being able to be authentically you, right. Is one piece of it. And then the other piece is. Feeling respected, feeling respected and seen by everyone, legitimizing the relationships that we have. And I joked with Dave when we got together, stamped my feet and. Pumped my fist and said, I don't want to be the poly poster girl, whatever you do.
I've been, I've been in the relationship field at that time. I'd been in the relationship field for 12, 13 years, and I didn't want to change course something that my entire client base was. Great. And I all many experts, they, they don't need Wendy Newman as an expert. There's plenty of experts, everyone.
Who's Paul is an expert, so they didn't need another one. And so I didn't want to go down that path, even though [00:20:00] I don't want to be the poly poster girl. And in, in a public speaking space all the time, I still think it's incredibly important for every single one of us to be. Out. If we can to be out in front saying, look, these relationships are amazing.
And they work. Some of these relationships have zero drama and they work great and we're not breaking up. And the reason we're not breaking up is because we're a Polly, you know, we hear so many, oh, we broke up because we're poly and it didn't work. We would never hear, we broke up. Cause we're monogamous and it didn't work.
I mean, that's the thing, right? So. So part of the passion I have around this bundled topic is can you go home with someone and be with them at Christmas? And are you willing to be yourself and show the world, [00:21:00] the world that isn't like you, that this is fine. You're fine. And they're fine. The relationship was legitimate and it's all good.
I got rambly there. I didn't
Rebecca: mind it. Okay. Yeah. I always get a lot of delicious food for thought in our conversations. Thank you.
Wendy: I remember I went to an event and there were a lot of poly people at this event and it's a. It's a storytelling event in San Francisco and it was a sexy one. So there's like lots of sexy people there.
And my partner, Dave came, his partner. Kim came at my metamorphic.
Rebecca: Hey Casuarina
Catharina: yeah. I'm quickly going to explain what metamor means. And Metamora is a person who's an intimate, romantic, or sexual relationship with an intimate partner of yours. Someone you are connected to through someone you are magically involved with, but who you are not [00:22:00] remind to keep involved with yourself.
Wendy: And it was the breaking point where she came up to me afterwards and said, you know, if I'm not able to be out. In public with you, please don't invite me to anything anymore. And it didn't even occur to me to say, stay closeted or it's fine to not be closeted. I just didn't really think about it. What I did say is a couple of my clients are coming tonight, so there'll be crossover.
And it was a really great learning moment for me to see the hurt in her eyes and realize like, this is a person like I'm not going to put people in the closet. And so. Not everyone in our poly Kule can be out. One of my Metamoris is in academia and it just doesn't work for her work to be out. But for the most part, if it's not going to harm anyone or cause us to lose significant money, I kind of demand it [00:23:00] now how happy my mother is going to be when we all show up to Christmas, it's a different matter.
Yeah. Yeah, but she knows. So what are you gonna do about it?
Rebecca: Yeah. Thanks for sharing that story about your metamor. I'm assuming that you've adjusted. How are you? Warn other people in your probably kill, showing up to your events?
Wendy: Well, I mean, at this point, I, like I said, was so moved by that moment. I said, girlfriend, never again.
No, your, your family, never again. Don't ever feel like there's ever a moment that you have to be closeted and I don't, we don't even need to like say, come to this event, don't come to this event. I'm out. DND I'm out. You show up somewhere, even if it's unexpected, I'll turn to the person and say, this is my beloved Metamora kin.
And if they say what's that I will explain to them what that is.
Rebecca: You know, this is really cool hearing this. [00:24:00] I'm recently with you. I guess isn't a metamor anymore. Cause we're not dating the person that had connected us, but she is so fun. We have such a good time together. And she had texted me that day saying, Hey, you know, I haven't seen you in a while.
How you doing? How's your broken arm? And, um, my arm is doing much better now. It's pretty much healed up and I can use it. I got to tango with it twice this week, so. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. It's so much better. I did have to warn one of my partners because they started doing all this really fun, fancy stuff. There's such a.
The lead and it was twisting stuff. And I was like, oh, you know, what, how about we do this a little differently? So then he just gave me his thumb to hold onto, and then I could twist around it. I was so much better. Uh, but it was a fun experiment and, you know, expressing my boundaries in the moment she had.
Texted saying, Hey, I'd love to connect. And I was like, yeah, that'd be really fun. I've got some new dresses that I'm looking at. I'd like to get your opinions on them, you know, kind of girl talk stuff. And it just turned out that I was having one of my friends [00:25:00] over that evening and we were going to make some really amazing Peruvian chicken that we had gotten this recipe for.
That was so good. And she happened to be available that night. I was like, Hey, you want to come and join us? One of the new people I'm dating was able to come and join us as well. So we had this really lovely little something, I don't know. I guess don't really care about the labels that much, but it was fun.
It was fun. It was neat to get to introduce the new person that I'm saying to both of those people and to have some time together and get to know each other a little bit. So yeah, w uh, what bliss it is to have metaphors that you can really connect with.
Wendy: Yeah. And do they just, they become X Metamoris. Do they refer it to friend?
It's hard to know all the labels.
Rebecca: And to care, right? Sometimes I like using the labels for people that aren't in the polyamory world. Cause then they kind of [00:26:00] look at it and like, oh, so you used to save for that person, but you don't anymore, but you still touch and you do sleep with this person and you touch them too, and you don't touch them anymore when the other person's in the room and I don't get it.
And like, I know just let your head explode and it'll be easier once you just accept that.
Wendy: Yeah, exactly.
Rebecca: So I think I want to look at that the partner has to have some really
Wendy: quickly. Now let's talk about partner. I have to have this, one of my favorite things about it is when you get to look and see what thing that you think is a top priority for you conflicts with another thing that you need, that is a top priority for you, because it's really.
While it's disheartening to see that two things, literally conflict with each other and cancel each other out. And that's why you're having such a hard time. It's also really enlightening, like, oh, that's why it took me 121 for states to get to my person because I had two things on my list that conflict with each other and cancel each other out [00:27:00] and I wasn't willing to go without them.
So I'm just going to have to wait it out till I find that 2% of people who can give me both things. So that is my, one of my very favorite parts is doing the sorting exercises where you're seeing your things cancel out other things. And I had quite a few things on my list that, that were very conflicting with things on my list.
Did you find a lot of conflicting.
Rebecca: You know, I don't think I did, but I may not have been looking at what might be a conflicting well enough because in my head, all of this sounds like it should be able to come from one or two or three people. Well, but that's the
Wendy: thing, I mean, being poly too, like you can actually.
That's the great part. Like if you have things, a conflict, you're like, okay, cool. Well, this person has one and this other person has the other one. So that's where we're good to go. So that's like an added [00:28:00] Polly bonus. Yeah,
Rebecca: exactly. So I'm like, am I, am I just not seeing the conflicts or are they not actually there because I'm willing to have it.
Two or three different people. Yeah. I did find it interesting that, that if I had it all my way, our life would look like I didn't put very much down at that time, but it was like milongas and tango evenings, and great tango partners and dancing and doing fun things with fun people. And I'm doing most of that this week already.
Yeah. That's pretty cool.
Wendy: In other words, you are living your best life.
Rebecca: Yeah, let's see that attributes, values and characteristics. This was, I remember how many you said it was okay to pick, but I have encouragement, integrity, sincerity, kindness, love, loyalty, passion, playfulness, respect, and humor. So I guess that was
Wendy: 12. [00:29:00] And can you see how much those are you also like that does a reflection of who you are?
And it's not always the case that what we're looking for is a reflection of who we are. I mean, they're definitely like the list of things we want our partner to be just like us, because it's important to us. We're that way on purpose. We're consciously that way. And then there are the other things that we're going to need that we need them to be different on purpose because we need the balance, right?
Rebecca: Yeah. And then interestingly, and the deal breakers, there's only four of them. Doesn't respect me or my friends or my way of life hides me from anyone hides me from his family. Not willing to cook or is it bad cook?
Wendy: That's pretty great. Now can they use home chef or blue apron or one of those, like, we'll help you cook. [00:30:00] Cooks or did they have to be naturally good at putting spices
Rebecca: together? Oh no, it's totally fine. If they could provide meals, then I, Rebecca safe when I need it. Yeah. I don't care how they get them.
It's very good. It can figure out how to get that from the grocery store. I don't care, but I, I doubt it. You
Wendy: need someone to source delicious food for you from time to time?
Rebecca: Yes. That from time to time, like half the time, like a laugh the time. Okay. There
Wendy: we go. See very specific. Very
Rebecca: good. Yeah. What I've learned about myself and especially this year.
One, I really have to cook and make pretty much all my food right now in order to be in good shape. And that's a lot of cooking. And if I have someone else that's willing to do some of that, it'll go so much better and we can do so many more things together. So, yeah. Let's see. What else have I got if I had it on my way, find things I want for my partner [00:31:00] takes me farther physically than I've ever been before.
Yeah, loves to do fun things like acro yoga with me, loves to teach workshops with me, loves how much I love collaboration and wants to collaborate with me and good with money and willing to be good with money. For both of us, I am good with money, but I don't like putting very much attention on certain aspects of it.
So it'd be nice to have a partner to bounce that stuff off of and know that it's not all falling on my shoulders. Ooh, this was a good one. This one, I really. Noodle about what are the five things you need from your partner without these five, you would be upset. You would rather be single and alone than not have these things.
So the first one is respect about my work, my life choices of my friends. I've kind of already talked about that in the deal breakers, but I need to feel really safe, admired, and respected from my life choices. Number two, there is a fire sparked between us. That has to be a deep, intimate connection [00:32:00] with open-hearted communicates.
Number three freedom to have my own space and live wherever I want to, which would also mean that our time together would feel refreshing. So maybe we'll live together, but I'll always have my own getaway, never for true support and managing my health. So that means things about transparency, about sex, sex, and partners, and all of that other stuff.
And also cooking cookies is an important piece of this. And then the fifth one is great fueling sex. If sex doesn't feel me on a regular basis with that person, it's just not going to be a good thing, something I need and I would be upset without. So
Catharina: let's see.
Wendy: I really like everything you said. And one of the things that you pointed out in your list is I think true for a lot of us that run in the circle [00:33:00] and in your circle, right. Which is the need for freedom and autonomy, balanced with the need of safety and feeling loved and secure. You know, we were talking earlier about conflicting needs, one cancels, the other one out.
And usually when we're talking about a masculine person that you're looking for, that can create the safety for you. If you're feeling that you need safety, that, that safety from the accountability of the masculine, that's great. And all, but depending on the flavor of that person, You might not be able to get safety and freedom in the same human.
They really try and keep you safe and not have you feel free, or they're going to treat you like a total equal and you can have all the freedom you want, but you don't necessarily feel safe. So that's a very common one. And that was something that I was looking for. [00:34:00]
Rebecca: And that was the thing that you thought was a contradictory
Wendy: for me when I was looking for a man, that's exactly what I found to be.
Uh, contradictory set of traits because you know, you either had the, I'm just going to stereotype like crazy here. You'll have like the, the big old Texan going to keep you safe. Little Philly. What have your own place? What go out of town for three days without me off to Africa for three weeks for a mission institution excursion?
No. So you have that, like going to keep you safe or going to let you be. Go ahead. Run off to Africa. What do I care? It's fine. So you, when you get back, yeah, it's tricky. Uh, what is, what are your flavors of feeling safe and another place to look as you're going to be upset without it? I think you pointed to don't hide me.
Don't hide me, respect [00:35:00] who I am, respect my work and don't hide me. That's going to make me feel safe. Yeah. So one of the ways you can tell what makes you feel safe is you're freaked out without it. So freaked out and fear has you not feel safe? Wow.
Rebecca: That's really helpful. Yeah. Freaked out without it. Yeah.
Wendy: I mean, pretty much all the relationship stuff that gets put into place is all about not being freaked out and in fear, like let's put a ring on it. So there's a ring and an indication. So I can have you be mine and I don't have to be afraid that someone else is going to steal you. I mean, there's all kinds of other lovely parts to wrapping up that ceremony and being connected to each other, but that is a piece of it.
You are mine. I now can, it can feel safe. I can breathe. In monogamy world, we can now light [00:36:00] tell each other a really sweet lie that no one does it for me, but you you're the only one I see. So you can calm down your internal instincts and feel safe. You've lent you've won you. You got him, you bagged him.
You locked it down. They're yours relief.
Great. It's a nice light.
Rebecca: It's funny because every time I hear you say that, I'm like, yes, it is a nice lie, but I know that for so many people, it's a lie. So, but it's not nice anymore.
Wendy: Yeah. Well, I mean, unless you're a sexual or a sapiosexual, it's a life or pretty much every, everyone's a sex, sexual human, where people turn your head, like.
Why do you think actors are so beautiful? They're turning our heads.
Rebecca: [00:37:00] Yeah.
Wendy: We're fantasizing about them when we're watching the rom-com
Rebecca: you said, what is my flavor of safety? Yeah, I know that I have a lot more freedom desire than safety desire, and I know that during the pandemic, not having anyone that truly had my back fucking socked.
I know that I want a lot of freedom, but there's somehow. Yeah. I don't know. I'm still don't know how to find that balance. Freedom,
Wendy: not isolation. Yeah. Yeah. That had to been rough. Thanks.
Rebecca: I'm glad you had somebody. Yeah.
Wendy: And I mean, that was, you know, everybody knows that's in the, in the poly world, that was a tricky thing to navigate.
Like now you have all these people with all these ideas about safety and what's what's right. And should we [00:38:00] bubble and should we be so glad that's over?
Rebecca: Yeah, me too. I hope it stays over your promises, right?
Wendy: I sound so cynical. I get that monogamy. I don't mean to sound so cynical when I talk about monogamy.
Rebecca: Yeah. I've felt the same way with a couple of things. I said, I was like, maybe I won't, maybe I'll take that out. Monogamy is great for pretty much everybody now. I do think that monogamy can be fricking awesome.
And I had, I had a conversation a couple of weeks ago with some friends and they were talking about how insert. Cultures and certain areas of the world, which some of them I've been a part of that polyamory is more of a default thing. And that the consideration or the, the attitude is that poly is the more advanced and evolved way [00:39:00] of having relationships.
And then if you want to be monogamous it's because you just don't know how to, how to be poly yet. And I think I've run into that and. I understand where it comes from. And on some level, I know that a lot of people that have talked to me over the years and have said, oh, I could never do that. They're saying that because they are unwilling to try and to grow.
But I don't think that's the case with everybody. I think monogamy is actually really beautiful way of having a relationship. And a lot of my former polyamorous partners have kind of moved on and. In monogamous relationships where they are so much happier and there's so much better at monogamy than anyone else, they actually know how to have successful relationships.
Now they've practiced them enough that they're good at the communication and what needs to be said and sharing those things early on enough. So,
Wendy: yeah, that's great. I like that. I mean, yeah, it's all great [00:40:00] when you're actually choosing right. When, when you're coming from choice and that you've really thought through.
What's going to work best for you instead of just the default.
Rebecca: Yeah. I was pretty surprised at some of the non-negotiable views and opinions that I came up with and I realized how many things I do every year that like take up a significant portion of my time. And if whoever I'm seeing is not behind me or fuck you guys go and do this thing, that can be a serious.
Uh, serious thorn in the side of the relationship, I guess. Yeah. Like going on cruises. If I have it all my way, I go on three or four weeks, a year of cruises with a bunch of friends. And I don't insist that my partner's like my friends and want to go on these cruises with me. It would be so much better if they did, you know, if they were a hell yes for that too.
And they want. Join in and meet my crazy happy [00:41:00] friends.
Yeah. And then, I mean, that's just one thing that I do. And then there's the Chemonics stuff, which is a weekend every other month. And there's more of that, that I'm doing now. So even more than just that someone that doesn't have any interest in those things or doesn't have the flexibility to do those things, it'd be much harder to partner with.
Wendy: One of the traits that I didn't realize while I was searching for my. Partner, what was how important it is to get someone that really not only has her back, but can really empower. You can put their hands on your back and shove you forward into the world and say, yes, this is what you should be doing. Go be you be big.
I'm coming with you or I'm supporting you while you go do that on your own or with your friends, like how hugely important it is for someone to be a hell yes. To what you're up to. [00:42:00] Yeah.
Rebecca: Yeah. And I liked how you phrased that to support you and say, go out and yes. Be you do this thing. Yeah.
Wendy: It'd be the biggest you, you could possibly be.
Don't, you know, it's one of the things I love so much about, David's like take your filter off and it's like, he's trying to filter to always try to be appropriate. Right? He's like, I need you to keep taking your filter off as much as possible. They need you. They don't need filtered you. They need you. And I forget
Rebecca: that a lot, but what I love about my closest friends, this one was a good one.
They're driven, thoughtful in tune cheerful, they see a silver lining and their happiness is infectious. They have some worldly experience, their unique, one of a kind. They're family focused or family connected and happy, intelligent, and making a dent in the world.
Wendy: [00:43:00] Huh? I wonder who, that sounds like
Rebecca: The next question was the characteristics and traits that I have that I hope my chosen loved ones also have. And they are honest, hopeful, healed. Open-hearted willing, brave, expanded, adventurous, spiritual, healthy, strong self-aware, and enjoys ritual and ceremony.
Wendy: Lovely. Yeah.
Rebecca: This is really helpful. All right.
So when do you, what do you do when you fill out your partner have to haves and you realize that the people that you're dating don't fit enough of them. What do you do
Wendy: next? Well, you can add more, right? You can add more to the dating pool if you've got the space for it, and you can add ones with the quality.
For what you're looking, you [00:44:00] can make requests with the people you are dating to see if they can either step up or an into what you need, or if that's just not who they are, you can decide who is this person going to be in my life? Where do they fit? You know, we, we don't have to discard them just because they don't have everything that we need.
We can make choices around how they're going to have, how we're going to play with them going forward. You know, I think one of the most important pieces to look at once you've got the whole thing filled out, and this is right. It's not like a three-step process. There's a lot of little steps to this, right?
One biggest thing. That's gonna move relationships in good ways, quickly or bad ways quickly is the, what am I dying to provide? What are they dying to receive? What are they dying to provide? Cause if there's something in you that you just feel so unfulfilled, this is why you [00:45:00] want partnership, because you want to contribute this to your partner.
And they're like, nah, I'm not. That'd be devastating. Like that is a recipe for disaster. So maybe you might be dating someone that there's a quality or two missing that they don't have, but you can get from someone else. And then there's like the bigger piece of they won't let me make a difference for their life in a way that's super important for me.
You know, one of the things that I most wanted to provide Dave was, well, I wanted to provide willing, happy, good sex, anytime he wanted it, because I know that most people in the world don't have that at their fingertips. And I wanted to be the source for
Rebecca: that. Oh my God. Fuck. Yes.
Wendy: So guess what if I'm this together all the time.
Yay. So he just didn't run around feeling hungry. Right. And so that was one thing I really wanted to provide and I have for the last eight years and will continue to provide, [00:46:00] and that's nice. But what I also was dying to provide was I'm his partner. So I've not wanting to be his coach. Right. But what I wanted to be was that safe container where we could sit around and he can tell me all the things he could tell me all about his day and what he's trying to work out at work.
And what's happening with the teams and what's happening with the C-suite and what's going on and what next plane needs to make. And what's going on with this one, like, and just let him. Solve his own problems because he's able to talk it out loud to be this listening, this uninterrupted, listening for him.
And, you know, the occasional wise cracker, if he asks, for my opinion, I'll give it. But I just really wanted to be that touchstone for him, that solid container, where he could like work it all out. And I didn't know if. Give me that, but I was just dying to provide it. And so I just kept being that, like being available for that.[00:47:00]
And now, like, you really counts on me for that, like a lot. And I love it. It feels like I am, I am in fact fulfilling the purpose, right. The purpose of our partnership. And I mean, there's, you know, a million different things to relationship and things we love about each other there, but it's one of my favorite things and it makes the little things that don't work.
Worth working out because I get to be used up in the way that I really want to be used up in relationship.
Rebecca: Yeah. That is a cool phrase. I get to be used up and the way that I really want to be used.
Wendy: yeah. Like we want to use our life for something right
Rebecca: here we are. Yeah. I don't don't use it in obligation. Use it and fuck yeah. Moments. Yes. Nana made me look under what are the things that I wish to get? What am I dying to provide a listening ear, an [00:48:00] open heart and kind eyes, food, adventure, and adventuring partner, creativity and hot sex and threesome.
Going to provide great three. Oh
Wendy: my God. They are so lucky to have you. I know, right. My life would be so much easier if I lost by.
I really have given it a try
Rebecca: it's defense, the whole different world. Best efforts. Yeah. I'm good. At three too. I love blossoms.
Wendy: That's great. Yeah. Yeah, I do. I do it around the birthday time for cause it's a birthday gift, but we have it down to a science where basically one of us is on the bed, filing our nails while the other one.[00:49:00]
Rebecca: Maybe we should do a whole episode on filing your nails. That's so important
Wendy: taking breaks during threesomes while you're on the bed.
Rebecca: Yeah. Usually try and get the nails filed before the threesome happens, but yeah, that's probably, yeah. So maybe I need to add a little bit more to these because none of these are super, super cool.
You don't have like a really good touchstone for what I'm dying to provide right now. So
Wendy: thank you. Well, I think another thing that you reminded me of that I love providing, and it's really important to me. And you said it in a different words with kind eyes and a listening ear, which is, I want to be as transparent as possible with my partners and fully accept them for exactly who they are.
They're not going to get in trouble with me for sharing an aspect of who they are or what they think or what they're [00:50:00] about. And I think that so many people work on molding themselves into what they think their partner needs some to be. And I just don't want that even if, even if part of who they are, like doesn't necessarily work for me.
It's still. I would much rather know that and love them and be fully accepting of, oh, well, well, that's a little glitch with us. That's okay. We'll figure a workaround. That's fine. But don't change who you are. That's who you are. And that's a huge gift. I think
Rebecca: that's lovely. Yeah. Yeah. I think I'm the same way I'd rather know, down and dirty real then.
The image that you think I want to see?
Wendy: Yeah. I don't need the image. Yeah.
Rebecca: Just gets in the way anyway.
Wendy: It [00:51:00] really does. I'm really grateful that we had this opportunity. And now that we're all the way here partner have to have is it is a DIY workshop and it's, you could just download the audio if you wanted to grab it.
Or I do have, if you're a visual, I have PowerPoint videos that go with it for different learning styles. And it's a pretty inexpensive product in a way for you to really figure out who you are. What you're about what you need, what you want to provide and who your person or your people need to be to keep you in really great shape.
Rebecca: And I really appreciate it. Thanks so much for putting it out
Wendy: there. Yeah. Thank you.
Rebecca: I'll make sure that there's a link in the show notes and thank you so much for being here and chatting with me. I always.
Wendy: You're welcome. Thank you so much for having me. This was really fun. Thanks, Rebecca.
Rebecca: I mentioned at the beginning of this episode, that I was afraid to finish the [00:52:00] worksheet, afraid to find out that what I was doing and who I was with, wasn't going to meet my needs in the long run. I know it's silly to be afraid of that because might as well know earlier rather than later, but it can still be difficult.
One of the reasons I was so nervous is I've had a hard time believing that I really can have what I want. And now I have so much experience and evidence that I can. It's usually just a matter of finding a way to believe it. But every time I take a new step forward and do something big and different and unusual, it takes me a little while to build up that belief.
For example, I mentioned having someone take me home to their family was a big deal. It's a big deal for very important reason. Few years ago, I was seriously dating this really awesome guy who had some family nearby [00:53:00] things get serious between us. And he started taking me home for Christmas and Thanksgiving and other holidays, but he didn't want his family to know about my work as a cortison, which I understand.
I know that people aren't always kind and charitable to men who are dating women who date lots of other men, especially if she gets paid for it. All kinds of cruelest assumptions are made about them. Of course, I don't want to put anyone through that unnecessarily though, to be honest, people that know me well, usually realize at some point sooner or later, that those assumptions are absolutely dumb.
I get paid to go on dates and to have orgasms. So whenever I choose to spend my personal time on a date with somebody, you better believe that someone is pretty fan fucking tastic. So I didn't mention my work to his family. I stuck to safe topics on the holidays, but as the years went by, I had less and less to talk about with this family, [00:54:00] more of my life and my accomplishments centered around my work.
My success and the freedom that my work gave me. And he continued to ask me to keep my work a secret, not realizing I'm sure the effect it was having on me. It turns out it's no fun to celebrate life with those you love when you have to be secretive about what yourself. I stopped wanting to attend family holidays.
And I started staying home to catch up on emails and big computer projects. Instead, my dad many states away at the time with poor internet and cell phone connection. So getting some good time with him, usually entailed an airline ticket or a rental car, something I couldn't arrange all that. Often. One Thanksgiving, the dam broke.
I realized I had worked through so many holidays in the last couple of years, but I hadn't really realized what month it was anymore. And I had missed everything about the season that I really loved, just because we understand why somebody is doing what they're doing. [00:55:00] Doesn't mean we have to be willing to stand by and allow it to happen for a bit more.